7 Signs You’re Being A People Pleaser (And What To Do About It)
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
People Pleasing — What is it & why does it matter?
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to people please.
I recently asked my mom what she thought a people pleaser is. She said it’s someone who always goes out of their way to do nice things for other people to make them happy. She said that people-pleasing is a positive thing. (Now we know where this behavior originated for me! 😉)
Being nice could be well and good because supporting others in making their lives better is not a bad thing. But when nice things are done for reasons other than simple kindness, that’s where the trouble starts.
👉 People pleasers put other’s wants and needs ahead of their own.
👉 They sacrifice their own time and energy almost without fail, even when they’re exhausted themselves.
👉 They go out of their way to be liked and accepted.
👉 They do crazy things to keep others happy.
This was me before I realized I was a people pleaser. I thought I was miserable, resentful, and exhausted because of other people, but then I figured out I was doing this to myself. I twisted myself into a pretzel for everyone in my life.
Wondering if you’re a people-pleaser or if you’re simply a nice person? Here are 7 signs. Do any of these sound like you?
1 — You place a high value on what other people think of you
You want so badly for others to like you, need you, and approve of you. One of your biggest fears is that you’ll be rejected, so you put a tremendous amount of weight on how you measure up with other people. This causes you to abandon your own wants and needs in order to fit in and be liked, and instead you do whatever it takes for the other person to be happy.
2 — You have a hard time saying no
As much as you know you don’t want to do something (stay late at work, have that 2nd glass of wine, go to that event, etc), you find yourself saying, “yes.” Saying no could possibly mean they won’t like you or that they’ll think you’re a bitch. You fear being judged if you follow what YOU want to do versus what you THINK others want you to do.
3 — You avoid talking about how you feel for fear it will upset or hurt someone else
Even when you feel hurt by the other person, this dilemma keeps you from speaking up because you can’t stand the thought of hurting them or making them mad. Hurt and anger means they’re not happy and as a people pleaser, your goal is to keep people happy.
So, even when they DID hurt YOUR feelings - because you want to avoid conflict and any chance of them not liking you - you place their feelings as more important than yours and you stay quiet. Over time, this quiet behavior leads to resentments and feeling as though you are the victim.
4 — You rehash conversations in your head
People pleasers fear saying or doing something wrong, something “displeasing.” You equate saying and doing all the right things with being liked, and being liked means you won’t be rejected. If the slightest thing goes wrong in a situation (maybe as simple as your friend leaving your outing a bit earlier than expected), you think YOU did or said something wrong. This heavy weight leads you to rehash conversations over and over in your head to analyze what you should’ve said or done differently.
5 — You over apologize
People pleasers are peacekeepers. You like people to be happy, and when they’re not or even when you THINK they’re not, you feel it’s a direct reflection on you and your inability to keep them happy. You’re frequently afraid you did or said something wrong, and you take the blame even when you aren’t to blame. You apologize for things you didn’t do in order to keep the peace. And sometimes you apologize again and again until you feel validated and to calm down your own nervous system for the moment.
6 — You feel guilty if you do something for yourself
In her podcast, Rachael Lyon said that the people-pleasing dilemma is, “Do what I want and feel guilty or do what everyone else wants and feel resentful.” Again, as a people pleaser, you put everyone else’s wants and needs ahead of your own. You give up feeling guilty for your own happiness, but that results in feeling resentful. As a people pleaser, you think it’s either/or. “Either I feel guilty or I feel resentful,” and you pick resentful to appease the other person. This is a terrible place to be in because it never results in YOUR OWN happiness!
7 — You’re a chameleon
You change what you say, think, and do to fit the situation. You change your colors to blend in as this is the surest way in your mind to be liked and accepted. This means you’re never being your true self. And if no one knows the real you (because you’re constantly adapting to fit in) then how can anyone ever LIKE the real you? This is inauthentic. When you’ve adapted for so long, YOU start not even knowing the real you. You’ve followed everyone else for so long, you don’t know what you like or don’t like, how you feel, or what you need.
✨ Figure out YOUR wants and needs
The first step to take in figuring out what you want and need is to start taking some time for yourself with just you. Yep, spend time alone! Begin making little decisions for yourself without asking for anyone’s input or their approval. You may make some choices that in the end you decide you won’t make again (even as simple as ordering a different kind of tea), but that’s how you’ll learn what YOU like and don’t like, and what YOU want and don’t want.
Remember, there’s nothing wrong here. You’re finally allowing yourself to be a priority after years of putting your wants and needs aside, so it may feel foreign at first to make a decision with only you in mind.
✨ Use your voice: Start stating your opinions
Many people pleasers were conditioned as children to not speak up, and now as an adult, it’s difficult to think that your opinion will be accepted. There are very few absolute facts in the world, so your opinion is not wrong. It’s merely your perspective or thought on the subject at hand. Having a conversation when you’re able to contribute your thoughts will begin to give you the confidence that you can say something that not everyone agrees with and that’s okay. Not everyone is going to agree with everything you say or do. It’s not your job to make them agree or soothe their ruffled feathers. Imagine how boring the world would be if we all agreed on everything.
✨ Learn to set healthy boundaries (& maintain them!)
Most of us weren’t taught how to set boundaries, so this is a skill you have to learn. Boundaries are a way of communicating to another person what is okay with you and what’s not. Boundaries are not mean, they don’t make you a bitch, and they are not an ultimatum.
Again, start small and with people you trust. This is something you have to practice and it gets easier over time. I believe the key to building your confidence is to speak to whatever it is as soon as you can and the first time the situation occurs. Don’t think, “they didn’t mean it; I’ll wait and see if they do it again.” This is a people-pleasing behavior and it will backfire every time because you lose integrity and confidence with yourself when you forgo courage for your own comfort.
✨ Get support to get to the root of it
People pleasing is a behavior that can come from childhood beliefs that run deep… beliefs that you weren’t good enough, you needed to be perfect to be liked, or that you might be rejected if you did something wrong. These beliefs turn into fears and lead to a pattern of putting everyone else before you… of trying to make everyone happy. You may not even realize where the pattern is coming from, you just feel the frustration of living the same thing over and over again. Exploring these beliefs and patterns with someone who’s been there is important.
As a coach, my passion is helping you see the patterns you’re living, what the patterns are costing you, and then guiding you as you dive into and break free from the fears you have that are creating these patterns. As with breaking any habit, it’s vital that you see what keeping the pattern is costing you. Once you see the costs, it’s so much easier to create the change. Ultimately, the goal is for you to break the pattern of making everyone else happy so that you can start creating happiness for yourself.
And here’s the thing: it works! 🎉
MANY women have faced their people pleasing, sought help, and found the why behind it all. My own personal transformation from being a people pleaser to the person I am today is one of the reasons I became a coach in the first place. I want to empower other women and give them clarity so that they can start living their life without the fear, anxiety, guilt, and resentment.
Bottom line: You can be nice to yourself AND to others.
Have you heard of the “disease to please”? Were some of these behaviors encouraged growing up? Have you adopted some of these mindsets? Let me know in the comments! 👇
Are you looking to live a more empowered, joyous life?
Let’s get you on that path with accountability and actionable steps! Claim your free call with Coach Heidi to learn more.