Finding Freedom: 7 People Pleasing Myths That Keep Us Trapped
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
Like any negative habit, we sell ourselves stories about people pleasing to justify our behavior.
It makes sense. After all, people pleasing is exhausting.
When we’ve done it for so long, it feels natural. Then one day we truly notice it and suddenly, we feel bone weary.
It’s not even the contemplation of the mountain ahead. It’s the acknowledgement of the past. It’s the mourning of ourselves. It’s the recognition of isolation: the thing we greatly feared in the first place.
When that happens, it’s so easy to turn back to ignorance. To tell ourselves tales that lessen our need for change.
If that resonates, it’s okay. You are taking the first steps on a journey and that, my dear friend, is changing your whole trajectory.
By examining these myths about people pleasing, we can take in our landscape and ask ourselves:
What’s really going on here?
What tools do I need to find a new horizon?
Am I acting out of compassion or out of fear?
What do I need and how else can I achieve it?
Myth 1: People-pleasers are always easy to get along with.
This seems true on the surface because people pleasers are always so agreeable and accommodating, but their reluctance to speak their mind can get frustrating. The other party always has to assume they know what the people pleaser is thinking or feeling.
It also can get very frustrating to ask a question and continually get the response, “I don’t care. What do you want?” This was me for most of my life.
A constant go-with-the-flow manner results in lack of genuine connections because the people pleaser never lets anyone know who they are or what they like or prefer. This hinders the development of meaningful and fulfilling connections with others.
So while people pleasers want to be liked, they are actually isolating themselves.
Myth 2: People pleasing is ALL about making others happy.
While making others happy MIGHT appear to be the primary motivation behind people-pleasing, the reality is it’s more deeply rooted in a primal need for survival - for safety and acceptance.
People-pleasers often engage in people-pleasing behavior as a means of self-preservation. This fear stems from a fundamental desire to be liked and accepted, to fit in and belong. This can actually be traced back to our primary instinct of social belonging and protection within a group.
By cultivating (false) harmony, people pleasers believe they can secure their place within their social circles and protect themselves from the perceived dangers of isolation or exclusion.
This means the true goal of people pleasers is for us to be safe. It has to do with us, not the happiness of others!
Myth 3: People pleasers are naturally happy people and don’t get angry.
People-pleasers may appear outwardly cheerful and accommodating, but the constant prioritization of others' needs takes a toll on their own well-being. Suppressing desires and emotions to fulfill the expectations of others can lead to a deep sense of inner conflict and dissatisfaction. I relate suppressing our needs and feelings to being constipated. If we let that shit build up for even a short period of time, the result is not pretty …
The pain of suppressing those emotions hurts more than if we allowed ourselves to experience them. Instead anger, hurt, longing, and more fester behind a mask of happiness.
Yes, I said it. People pleasers wear a mask! We want people to think everything’s fine and under control. If we show our anger, we may lose our safety.
Myth 4: People pleasing is a good thing.
Where’s the harm in making other people happy, right? We tell ourselves I’m just being nice and isn’t being nice a good thing?
I’ve had numerous clients say that to me, along with, “It’s just who I am… I’m a giving person.” One said, “Nothing brings me more JOY than to make someone else happy.”
Constantly prioritizing the needs and desires of others over our own leads to a host of detrimental effects, including not even knowing who we are any more. We have a hard time discerning what WE want or what's best for us.
Over time, this can lead to a loss of self worth and leave us feeling empty, unfulfilled, disconnected, and depressed.
Myth 5: “Selfish” is a bad word.
Many of us were taught that being selfish is wrong. If we think of ourselves, take care of ourselves, and talk about ourselves, we learned that we’re selfish.
Being thought of as selfish makes people pleasers feel extreme guilt! They feel like they’ve failed at the mere thought of the word. And because we’re so phobic to that word, being told we’re selfish is one of the easiest ways to manipulate us.
It happened to me! Hear my story in the podcast version of this episode at 10 minutes 30 seconds ➜
Putting yourself first and doing things for yourself - like nourishing yourself - is not selfish! It’s a basic need.
Myth 6: People pleasers are not controlling.
I've always considered myself a very nice person and I don't associate kind and nice with being controlling. I would say that I was the exact opposite of controlling.
Years ago, when I started by own journey of healing, a therapist helped me see that I had a pattern of covering up for people who were hurting me.
That in itself was a difficult revelation, but I also discovered that by enabling harmful behaviors with my people pleasing, I was actually controlling the situation by controlling the outcome.
I was so afraid of the uncertainty that lay beyond my circumstances that I made sure I stayed in them. Again, fear is a powerful fuel for people pleasers.
In my case, I controlled by not seeking help, not outing the person, not even having a conversation with the person about what they had done because I wouldn't know how they would react.
We try to control:
The opinions and expectations of others
How people perceive our actions
The outcomes of situations
Whether or not there is conflict
The easiest way to “make sure” we have approval (aka safety) is to control relationships. To control how they see us and what happens in the relationship.
“When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled. We forfeit our power to think, feel, and act in accordance with our best interests. ”
Myth 7: People pleasing is easy to stop once you’re aware you’re doing it.
You could start setting boundaries today … but this change won’t stick. I know, I tried.
Lasting change comes from changing how we see ourselves. People-pleasing behaviors are the symptom of something deeper… they’re a symptom of those beliefs and stories we were conditioned to believe about ourselves.
Learn more about this on Episode 3: People Pleasing - It’s Not Your Behaviors You Need To Change ➜
Beliefs like these keep us stuck. We tell ourselves we can’t show who we are, so we people please in order to get outside validation… yet it will never be enough because we aren’t even accepting ourselves.
It’s time to set yourself free!
If you need help breaking out of these cycles and changing that negative, harmful voice in your head, you’re in the right place. 💖
I’ve made it my life’s mission to help women:
😍 Like who they see in the mirror — maybe for the first time ever!
💪 Become their own source of empowerment
🥰 Build loving beliefs about themselves
🤝 Build stronger relationships that are truly safe
🌸 Cultivate happiness that isn’t based on others
Let me guide you past these myths!
I know, that may seem scary.
Good news: you’re in a judgment-free zone. There’s only understanding here. Remember… I’ve been there!