Are You on a People-Pleasing Hamster Wheel of Unhappiness & Frustration?
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
As a people pleaser, I was always trying to make other people happy because their disappointment made me uncomfortable.
Even when it had nothing to do with me, it still felt like it did.
Their discomfort was my discomfort.
I was afraid I would lose their approval, acceptance, or love if everything wasn’t perfect … if I wasn’t perfect.
In essence, I made their discomfort about ME.
Without knowing it, I clung to other people’s approval of me, and when I wasn’t sure I had it 100%, I tried harder to gain it.
As an adult, my brain had learned to track every disappointing look and highlight every minor mistake. It would tell me, “You’re still not good enough. You’re still not lovable yet. You’re still not safe.”
You might relate to this:
👉 Do you automatically assume that people are going to judge you? Even if it’s friends or family you consider yourself close to?
👉 Does YOUR internal dialogue sound something like: “If they’re happy, then I’m happy”?
👉 Do you fear disappointing someone or hurting their feelings, so you adjust what you do or say?
👉 Do you obsess over making sure everybody is taken care of… so much so that maybe you forget to figure out what YOU need?
👉 Have you said to yourself: “I don’t even know who I AM anymore?”
Without realizing it, by focusing on the happiness of others, I was ensuring my LACK of happiness.
In Daniel Amen’s 2022 book called, “You, Happier” - you only have to open the front cover to read that Americans are the unhappiest they’ve been since the Great Depression.
Unhappiness is associated with:
heart disease
premature aging
weight gain
damage to the immune system
addictions
depression
memory issues
I was stuck in a people-pleasing cycle of feeling lesser than, taken advantage of, and unappreciated.
I work with a lot of people who tell me stories about how it makes them feel good to know they’ve gone out of their way to make someone happy … and then in the next breath, they talk about how frustrated and resentful they are because no one ever reciprocates.
They’re caught in a cycle of doing things for others to make the other person happy, not being recognized for it, and then being super unhappy with the lack of appreciation and approval.
This reinforces the cycle because then they do even MORE things for others to try and get the approval they think they really want and that they THINK comes from outside of them.
The problem is that happiness is not earned. It’s something we have to cultivate within ourselves … not in others.
How do you know if you’re stuck in a toxic people-pleasing hamster wheel of unhappiness?
1 — You downplay your happiness for the sake of others.
In order for others to be happy, we think they have to be happier.
For example, you’re excited to share about something cool that happened to you, but you realize it might make the other person feel sad or jealous, so you hold back to protect their emotions for them, instead of allowing them the opportunity to be happy for you and work through their own feelings. So this is part of the trap.
2 — You neglect your personal needs.
People pleasers often ignore their own needs, desires, and well-being to satisfy others. This neglect can lead to burnout, stress, and physical and emotional exhaustion.
I know this personally. I ended up in the ER due to the extreme measures I took to make someone else happy. This disregard of our own needs over and over again can result in a diminished sense of worth, and like I discovered, can be devastating to our own health.
3 — You feel like you don’t know who you are anymore.
Constantly focusing on making others happy causes us to struggle with even recognizing our own preferences, values, and goals.
We can become overly dependent on others for direction and validation. This all can lead to feelings of emptiness and confusion about who we are and what we truly want in life.
4 — You feel resentment and frustration.
People pleasers get satisfaction from helping others, but they can also become resentful when their efforts aren’t reciprocated or appreciated. This resentment builds up over time, leading to frustration and a sense of being taken for granted.
This also can cause health issues because when we stuff things down, we build up toxins and become like a pressure cooker. Not expressing our emotions is not healthy and relationships become one-sided and emotionally draining.
5 — You struggle to build authentic relationships.
Fear of conflict and rejection lead us to agree to things we don't want to do or to hide our true feelings. This lack of honesty is a sign of poor boundaries and limits meaningful connections. This lack of boundaries from the people pleaser also disrespects the boundaries of the other person.
When we look to others to help create OUR happiness, this is crossing a personal boundary of emotional autonomy.
6 — Your emotions are heavily dictated by others.
Emotional autonomy is your ability to maintain your own emotional state independent of the emotions of others. Tying our happiness to the happiness of others, we give up our emotional autonomy and we allow external factors to dictate us. This creates a dependence on the validation from others for our happiness.
Are you ready to break the cycle? 🎉
Are you ready for happiness instead of exhaustion? Resentment? Frustration?
I know, breaking the cycle can be SCARY, but the great news is:
🫶 You’re not alone.
🫶 Your pain is real. It’s valid. It’s not a mystery.
🫶 You can find happiness and security in relationships.
🫶 You no longer have to carry the burden of everyone else’s emotions — you can finally take care of yourself.
Here’s the thing: your thoughts create your feelings and your feelings create your behaviors, and your behaviors create your outcomes.
If you don’t have the outcomes you want in your life, look back at your thoughts and remember that the majority of your thoughts are learned and are habitual.
You think the same thoughts today that you thought yesterday, so if you want to create more happiness in your life, you have to separate yourself from your thoughts, and realize you are NOT your thoughts.
You are the thinker of your thoughts.
Your ability to separate yourself from this is your key to feeling happy on a daily basis!
Sound easier said than done?
Your inner voice may be powerful, but together we can create new thoughts that support you instead of punish you.
Psst, want to dive into this topic even more? Listen to episode 39 of my podcast: The People Pleasing Trap: I’m Not Happy Unless YOU Are Happy!
