Overcoming Self-Doubt in Midlife: A People Pleaser’s Journey to Self-Trust
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
A common people-pleasing trait is to BELIEVE that the thoughts, opinions, and feelings of others are more important than our own.
This belief is often learned from what we experienced, especially as girls, growing up. We’re taught to play nice, defer to others, and that our value is in our “niceness.”
🌸 Girls should be seen, not heard
🌸 Be nice and easy to get along with
🌸 Make sure you don’t hurt your friend’s feelings
🌸 You are sugar and spice and everything nice
The goal of these sayings isn’t to make us better, whole people. It was to make us easier to parent … and control.
Many times, we think our authority figures - or those people that we view as authority figures - have more wisdom than we do.
Yet for the most part, our caregivers were simply doing the best they could. They taught us what THEY were taught, so these beliefs can actually be passed down from generation to generation.
Unfortunately, this constant focus on “peace” meant we were actually taught to defer.
When we are taught that our value is in getting along with others, then we start suppressing our inner voice and start changing our behaviors and thoughts to mirror those around us.
Soon, almost everyone seems like an authority figure. You may think:
💭 Everyone knows better than I do
💭 If I’m wrong, they’ll judge me
💭 If we disagree, they’ll get mad
💭 If I speak up, maybe they’ll think I’m selfish or self absorbed
💭 I must care less or have less information because I’m not sure what the answer is and everyone else seems to know quickly
If you haven’t trusted in your inner voice for a long time, it may feel like you don’t know how to make decisions anymore
When we grow up focused on following rules and behaving, we don’t learn to listen to ourselves. In fact, we maybe don’t think we have the RIGHT to follow our own intuition and we’ve pushed it down for so long, we don’t know it’s there anymore. We don’t know what signs to look for and how to access it.
Much of this is because we don’t even know what WE like, want, need, or desire.
We’ve been so externally focused for so long, THAT is what feels natural… not listening to ourselves.
The problem is: it’s healthy and necessary to make decisions for ourselves.
Whether you are trying to decide what movie to watch or you’re wondering if you need to leave a relationship, your inner voice is YOU.
✨ It’s there to keep you safe
✨ It helps you know intuitively what your body needs
✨ It connects you to things that bring you joy
✨ It wants the best for you … because it IS you!
How can people pleasers learn to trust themselves? Is it even possible as a midlife woman?
Of course it’s possible! I am living proof of that. It is NEVER too late to be YOU!
Learning to trust your self takes time, healing, and intentionality. That’s why coaching programs are so powerful because they give you a safe place to work through your barriers and practice your new habits. Plus, isn’t it wonderful that if you work with me, Coach Heidi, that you are working with someone who understands exactly what you’re going through?
For now, here are some good places to start:
#1 — Know that your ego shouts and your intuition whispers
We’ve heard what we view as the logical side of us speak up so often that most of the time we don’t even realize that the intuition is there.
Just like a little kid will talk louder and louder to get your attention, your ego does the same thing. It’s your ego telling you you’re making the wrong choice because it views any change as unsafe and unpredictable, so it wants you to stay the same.
It takes practice to stop letting that loud voice win every time. You do that by being present to the small whispers you’re getting and then asking yourself questions… and listen to what your intuition says. Remember that you may barely hear it!
#2 — Question whether you’re believing something because you know it’s true or out of habit because it’s what you were taught.
Our brain loves to solve problems, so let it support you. Many times we do things out of habit and don’t realize how they’re impacting us. So questioning these things is key!
A great method for questioning a negative thought or something limiting that you believe is by using Byron Katie’s exercise called “The Work.” Listen to this podcast episode to learn how! Episode 40. Stop Second-Guessing Yourself: Mastering Self-Trust as a People Pleaser
You can look up Byron Katie for more information on this exercise. Or reach out to me; I’d love to take you through it for your specific situation. My gift to you!
Feeling overwhelmed?
In just a few sessions, we could make a lot of progress together!
Your inner voice is there, waiting for you.
Psst, want to dive into this topic even more? Listen to episode 40. Stop Second-Guessing Yourself: Mastering Self-Trust as a People Pleaser
