Recognizing the Red Flags: It’s Time to Reassess Your Boundaries
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
If you struggle with setting and holding healthy boundaries, you are not alone.
Among the women I connect with, it is easily one of the biggest hurdles.
I am no stranger to this. Six and a half years ago, I ended a relationship that was emotionally and mentally abusive. After only a few months of marriage, I realized that not only was it not serving me, but that my lack of healthy boundaries had attracted this man in the first place.
It prompted me to begin a journey of working on myself — especially in the area of boundaries and beliefs that were keeping me from living a fulfilling, healthy, happy life.
boundaries are more than saying “no”
Boundaries are a set of guidelines that define how you want to be treated, protect your well-being, and ensure your needs are met.
They help you keep your sense of self and maintain healthy, mutually-respectful relationships by clearly communicating limits, preferences, and deal breakers.
In a very basic sense, they’re “rules of engagement.” But do NOT let the word “rules” give you the wrong idea here. We’re not talking about controlling or restrictions you place on another person.
Essentially they are conditions you develop for YOURSELF to ensure that you get what you want/need in your relationships and life.
This includes boundaries you set with yourself to be the person you desire to be.
Boundaries are necessary in ALL relationships AND they don’t necessarily look the SAME in all relationships.
When we don’t have boundaries, there’s no way to discern who has good intentions and who doesn’t.
If even thinking about boundaries makes you feel worried or exhausted, then it’s time to learn how to reinforce them so that you can:
recover mentally, physically, and emotionally
go from burnout to joyful living
feel safe and secure on a daily basis
surround yourself with people who will care for you like you care for them
learn to like yourself more and find your self trust
🚩🚩🚩 red flag #1
Your body and mind are telling you something needs to change
💭 Are you resentful or frustrated with other people?
💭 Do you feel like a doormat - like people take advantage of you?
💭 Do you feel guilty or selfish if you ask for things you want or need?
These feelings have nothing to do with the other person and have everything to do with you not drawing a boundary.
Most of the time, the other person isn’t even aware you have a boundary because YOU haven’t communicated to them what it is you need or want.
Also, pay attention to how often you feel guilty or selfish, and subsequently take a different action because you think feeling this way is bad. You think that the feeling of guilt or selfishness is telling you that what you’re about to do or say is wrong, and who wants to feel guilty or selfish, right? So to avoid feeling that way, we change our course of action. This usually results in us going along with what the other person wants or covering up and justifying how we really feel.
🚩🚩🚩 red flag #2
You’re acting out of fear of hurting or disappointing someone
💭 Do you ignore what you need because someone else has a conflicting desire?
💭 Do you think that you’re responsible for the emotions of others?
As people pleasers, we learn that keeping other people happy is important and that putting ourselves first is selfish. We learn that other’s opinions, needs, and feelings are more important than our own, and if we go against the grain of what THEY want, this is US doing something hurtful.
🚩🚩🚩 red flag #3
You’re getting sick often or numbing yourself
💭 Are you drinking or binge eating regularly?
💭 Are you relying on unhealthy habits to balance out the stress, sadness, or burnout you’re feeling?
💭 Are you addicted to scrolling on your phone?
💭 Do you get frequent headaches or unexplained pain?
When we can’t get what we need, we try to fill in the gap … and those fillers are not a viable substitute. They create even more of an issue and ultimately, lead to more overwhelm. No amount of “other” can replace your needs.
🚩🚩🚩 red flag #4
You conform or comply in order to keep your relationships together
💭 Are you frequently giving in just to get along?
💭 Are you diminishing YOUR wants or dreams to keep someone else happy?
People pleasers have learned that to keep others happy, it’s best to follow the other person’s lead. Don’t raise any feathers or rock the boat. We become compliant to others vs sticking up for what WE want or need.
🚩🚩🚩 red flag #5
You don’t feel like you have control of your time, energy, or life
💭 Do you keep thinking you’ll catch up, but you never do?
💭 Do you ever think that if ‘one more thing’ goes wrong, you won’t know what to do?
💭 Have you stopped making plans for yourself or dreaming about the future?
When we’re a leaf in a current, we can’t determine our path. We can’t ensure our safety. We can’t feel stable for long enough to know where we are and where we need to go. If you’re feeling like it’s been a long time since you’ve been on solid ground, or perhaps even since you’ve been able to relax or get good sleep, then it’s time to find the areas of your life that need more boundaries.
One of my red flags was giving up my much-needed alone time because my husband (now ex) wanted to spend time with me
I grew up hearing that relationships were about compromise, so I thought I was doing the right thing … even though what I was really doing what sacrificing my needs for his.
And the thing is, it’s okay that he needed social time.
What wasn’t okay was that I took the burden on of depriving myself of what I needed to feel centered.
His need and my need were in conflict and that’s a normal thing to have to navigate around. We’re never going to align perfectly with others and in healthy relationships, that is accepted.
As a result of ignoring my body, I would get overwhelmed and burned out. I started to feel like I couldn’t deal with normal everyday stuff. I gained weight.
Other red flags began to appear and I started to set boundaries to protect my emotional energy. The way he reacted to my boundary gave me a lot of information. A healthy person would have heard my concerns and responded with care and understanding. But he reacted to what I said as if I had done something purposefully hurtful to him.
That was one of the final bricks to the head that I needed. I learned the hard way what happens when I DON’T have boundaries—how I’m preventing myself from seeing the other person’s true self… their true colors.
YOU get to take this info and use it to determine if this is behavior that’s acceptable to you and that you want to keep in your life. Or are you tolerating it only because you’re afraid to lose the relationship?
listen to more of my story on the podcast
If the idea of setting boundaries is making you feel afraid, that’s okay!
It’s also a clear sign that you need to start making them a normal part of your life. YOU are powerful. YOU are your protector. YOU are your sense of joy.
“Be honest with who you are, what you want and how you want to be treated. Boundaries only scare off the people that were not meant to be in your life.”
You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to do it alone.
If I can do it, so can you. Simply reach out and we’ll hop on a free call to figure out where to start. I can’t wait to be your support and cheer you on!
Are you ready for your transformation?
