The Power of Guilt & How to Rewire Your Brain
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
Do you ever feel guilty or selfish if you do something JUST for you?
Does talking about yourself make you uncomfortable or feel like you’re bragging, or are you embarrassed when someone compliments you?
Do you worry about being seen as self centered for focusing on you?
Are you afraid of disappointing others so you don’t say no or say what’s on your mind, even if you’re overwhelmed?
If you struggle with feelings of guilt or fear of being seen as selfish, you’re not alone.
Before I learned to how to rewire my brain and be comfortable with ME, I spent my life constantly analyzing myself and those around me.
I felt guilty for realizing I didn’t like the career I was in and wanted out, which was all about thinking I was being disloyal to someone.
I felt selfish for speaking up to my husband about his infidelity and what needed to change so I could heal and feel safe in the relationship.
I was afraid to be seen as self-centered and needy.
I felt guilty and selfish for asking for a long-overdue raise because I thought other people deserved it more than me… like I wasn’t doing enough to prove myself.
All of these actions came from me trying to ensure that I was liked and seen as being good. I wanted to be valued, not rejected.
These feeling don’t come out of nowhere. They are taught to us.
#1 — We were taught by our parents or caregivers - either directly or indirectly - that it's selfish to not think of others first.
We grew up with the thought that we HAD to prioritize other people - to NEVER think of the self first or at all.
For some of us, this was compounded by lessons, rules, and beliefs we were taught in school and at church.
#2 — Maybe you experienced being embarrassed, scolded, or punished for talking about something you felt proud of. You were taught that you were bad for thinking so highly of yourself and were called haughty, boastful, or self centered.
#3 — We learned that approval came from being good girls and boys. And being selfish certainly wasn’t considered being good.
These “lessons” taught us to use our feelings of guilt to prevent us from being self-centered.
If we don’t feel guilty for putting ourselves first, we’ve done something wrong.
If we put ourselves first and feel guilty, we’ve done something wrong but at least we repent, right? At least we are (though we may not think of it this way) punishing ourselves, right?
It becomes a constant mental strain that cycles us through anxiety. How could it not? We cannot always think of others first — we also have needs.
It’s important to relearn what being selfish actually is to break the cycle of self judgment
Always putting others first is not the true definition of selfish. Being selfish means lacking consideration for others and being chiefly concerned with your own personal profit or pleasure. Being selfish means our actions are causing harm to other people.
When we do something for ourselves or are proud of ourselves, we are NOT focusing on personal gain and we are NOT harming another person. But the problem is we’ve been conditioned to think we are, so we feel guilty and selfish … and we think feeling that way is normal.
Have you heard of the practice called elephant chaining?
To train young elephants, they are chained or tied with a rope to a stake to train them to not run.
Think about a baby elephant tied to a stake with a rope or chain around its leg. When it's young and not very strong, it tries to break free but can’t. Breaking free might even cause pain from the rope or chain around its leg. Over time, it learns that it’s stuck, so it stops trying. Even when the elephant grows up and is strong enough to easily break the rope, it doesn’t even try any more because it still believes it can’t. It was conditioned to think it can’t.
Now, imagine you’re the elephant. From a young age, you were taught that putting yourself first is selfish and wrong. And now as an adult, every time you try to take care of your own needs or do something for yourself, you feel guilty because you’ve been conditioned to think that way. That guilt is like the rope around the elephant’s foot, holding you back.
As we grow and become more capable of standing up for ourselves, that pattern we’ve developed of feeling guilty and selfish holds us back. We don’t push back against it because we’ve been trained to think we can’t.
The trick is realizing that the guilt and feelings of selfishness are just like that old rope—they don’t have any real power… unless WE believe they do.
Being chained to feelings of guilt and selfishness comes with a huge price
It becomes like a suit of armor. We think it will protect us against being hurt or rejected, or judged as a bad person. It actually adds stress and strain to our lives, keeping us so busy trying to avoid hurt that we reduce our chances of having the deep, intimate connections with others that we truly want.
This can show up differently for each of us:
So how do we stop feeling like we’re tethered to the guilty selfish pole, like the elephant?
If you notice yourself feeling guilty and selfish often - and you may need to pay attention because these are feelings that are so normal you maybe don’t realize you’re having them. But if you recognize that you’re feeling this way a lot, then the first thing we want to start focusing on is shifting your mindset. It does no good and actually harms you by beating yourself up for feeling this way or trying to shame yourself into NOT feeling this way.
Remember: it’s not your fault you have these thoughts. You were programmed - you were conditioned - to think this way. The beautiful thing about that is if it was programmed in like software, we can program in new software. That’s what it means to change your mindset - to rewire those negative thoughts that are keeping you stuck in this place of feeling selfish and guilty, and feeling like you have no choice, like the elephant.
Havening techniques:
This is a tool you can use for 30 seconds to a minute and it helps to start rewire pathways in the brain that are linked to emotional upset. The theory is that the touch used will boost production of good hormones in your brain, which allows you to relax and detach from the upsetting experience that has you feeling guilty and selfish.
You can do this technique in many different ways. You pick which one you like the best. I prefer the 3rd one I’m going to teach you.
#1 — “Washing” your hands
One way is to rub the palms of your hands together, slowly, like you’re washing your hands. That’s IT… just do that for 30 seconds to a minute.
#2 — Give yourself a hug in a specific way
Place the palms of your hands on your opposite shoulders and run your hands slowly down your arms from the shoulders to the elbows. Repeat this for 30 seconds to a minute.
#3 — “Washing” your face
Place your fingertips up high on your forehead, just below your hairline, and then let your fingertips lightly and slowly fall down your face to your chin. Or you can lightly run your palms down your face in the same way. I like the feel of the light touch of my fingertips.
why do these work?
These techniques are similar to what it felt like when someone rubbed your back when you were young to help you fall asleep. It’s relaxing and comforting, but even more so, it actually helps rewire the brain because the technique, no matter which one you do, stimulates both sides of your brain, which is essential for retraining the brain and healing.
Cool, right?
The other thing I invite you to do is schedule a free call with me
I’ll walk you through the feelings of guilt and selfishness, and we can start to examine how YOU best can break free of the rope that has kept you tied to that stake for so long.
Each of us experienced something different growing up, and it’s extremely helpful for you to know YOUR beliefs that are driving your behaviors.
Remember that each of us is running the pattern that WE were taught as kids. Until we examine the pattern, it’s easy to not realize we have the strength to walk away from that stake, that pole, we were tethered to in our younger years.
But once we see the patterns, we can start challenging those limiting beliefs and live more freely, without being held back by unnecessary guilt. It’s all about recognizing our own strength and worth, and giving ourselves permission to prioritize our own well-being.
Are you ready to say goodbye to the oppressive guilt?
Let me help you, encourage you, and navigate you!
Psst, want to dive into this topic even more? Listen to Episode 42: How Feeling Guilty & Selfish Destroys Your Self Worth
