Why People Pleasers Over Apologize & How to Stop the Habit
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
Sorry I didn’t call you back right away.
Sorry I couldn’t get to the phone.
Sorry to bother you.
Sorry, can I ask you something?
Sorry I can’t come.
Sorry, can you repeat that?
And my pet peeve… sorry I didn’t text you back right away.
We apologize a lot for things we don't need to be sorry for… there’s no need. Do you do this?
Why do we feel the need to apologize so much? Here are 5 reasons:
#1 — We fear conflict … and at the core of that is the fear of rejection.
By softening our communication with apologies or tentative phrasing, we think we’re minimizing the risk of offending someone or avoiding making them uncomfortable. AND we think we get to avoid potential conflict or rejection. This all comes from a desire to be liked and accepted, even at the expense of our own needs. This also relates to our need to feel safe. At a core level in our lizard brain, we feel that if we’re not accepted, we won’t survive.
#2 — Perfectionism can cause us to over apologize.
If you hold yourself to very high standards - ahem, needing everything to be perfect - you might feel like you’re always falling short, even when you’ve done nothing wrong. Maybe you apologize excessively as a way to show that you’re aware of your mistakes and are committed to doing better.
#3 — We want to avoid feelings of judgment.
There’s a lack of confidence that leads someone to doubt their worth or value, which causes them to say sorry in order to hopefully avoid those feelings of being judged.
It’s kind of a way to knock yourself down before someone else does. You diminish yourself so you don’t have to hear or sense it from the other person. If we feel our needs or opinions aren’t as important as other people’s, then our subconscious has no choice but to prove us right. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
#4 — We want to avoid responsibility.
Sometimes people over apologize as a way to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. By saying “I’m sorry” over and over again, they’re trying to deflect blame or shift the focus away from their behavior.
Has anyone ever said to you - or maybe YOU”VE even said it: “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry IF that hurt your feelings”? These are NOT apologies; they’re blame shifting.
#5 — Over apologizing has become a habit.
Many of us were conditioned when we were young to be nice and we grow up thinking that many behaviors or thoughts we have are fundamentally wrong. This can lead us to think that WE are wrong … that other people make the rules and THEY determine what’s right or wrong, good or bad … and so we think apologizing is necessary to keep ourselves in check and to communicate to the other person that we acknowledge our perceived shortcomings or mistakes.
Maybe you’re saying, “What’s wrong with me apologizing? I AM sorry when I interrupt or miss a friend’s call. How is this habit hurting me?”
Here’s how:
Yes, we’re used to hearing each other and ourselves apologize so much. But here's why it’s important to look at this in our lives.
This habit of over-apologizing is deeply rooted in our subconscious mind.
It’s like the portion of the iceberg that’s underwater, and even though we can’t see that portion, it basically holds ALL the power of the iceberg. And our subconscious mind is that portion of the iceberg underwater. It holds all the power.
It’s what runs 95% of our day. 95% of what we do every day is seated in the subconscious mind… and is habit. 95% of our thoughts and behaviors run on autopilot. The thoughts we have about ourselves, which are habits, are so automatic that we don’t even realize we’re thinking them… or that THEY are thinking US… or that they’re even there.
Just like when you get in your car and put on your seatbelt, you do it automatically. You don’t think about it and say, “OK, I just got in my car and now I’m going to put on my seatbelt.” No, you do it out of habit. It runs on autopilot. YOU run on autopilot.
Think of something you did today that isn’t a habit.
It’s hard to think of something, isn’t it? That’s because 95% of what we do EVERY day is habituated. Creating patterns and habits is the brain’s way of conserving energy.
When over apologizing is ingrained as a habit, we start to believe that we must constantly justify our opinions, actions, and even our existence to others. Saying sorry reinforces the idea that we need to seek permission or forgiveness for simply being ourselves.
Among other things, this mindset can prevent us from asserting our needs and boundaries, ultimately hindering our personal growth, self-confidence, and self worth.
When we doubt our own value in the world, we become more susceptible to external validation and approval, relying on others to determine our worth.
This doubt can make us hesitant to take risks, voice our opinions, or stand up for ourselves, because we fear judgment or rejection. It creates a cycle of self-doubt and insecurity, where we constantly question our own worthiness and capabilities. This can lead to a life of compromise and complacency, where we prioritize pleasing others over pursuing our own passions and desires. Ultimately, doubting our value can keep us from living authentically, affecting all the relationships in our lives by creating imbalances, misunderstandings, and a lack of genuine connection.
How does a people pleaser ditch the “need” to over apologize?
To break the habit of over apologizing, as always, awareness is key. And after awareness comes acknowledging the limiting beliefs that are reinforcing this behavior.
I’ve shared before that I was stuck for more than a year trying to change my people pleasing behaviors. I stayed stuck until I realized it was my beliefs that were driving my behaviors.
Until I acknowledged and started shifting the limiting beliefs I had about myself (which are the powerhouse of the iceberg), my behaviors, such as constantly apologizing and feeling guilty about myself, didn’t change.
By challenging our beliefs and reframing our self-image in a more positive and empowering way, our behaviors start to shift and we break the cycle, the habit, of over apologizing. Then we feel the FREEDOM of this new way of showing up, which keeps us wanting to feel more of that.
It’s the same thing as wanting to feel healthier so you start exercising regularly and eating healthier.
In a month, you’ll FEEL different… more empowered and mentally and physically healthier. And that keeps you wanting to feel more of that so you keep doing what you’re doing. This is how we shift a habit, by focusing on HOW we want to FEEL… and then taking the action to create that feeling!
If there’s anything I’ve learned from recovering from this people pleasing habit by changing my beliefs and being more direct in my communication, it’s that:
❤️ People LIKE it when you ask for things more directly because it doesn’t leave them guessing.
❤️ Conversations flow more smoothly when I’m not trying to circle around what I really want to say
❤️ Confidence and self esteem increase when you communicate how you feel and what you need, without diminishing yourself in the process
❤️ This will help you in all your relationships… at home, at work, and with friends.
❤️ And lastly… the confidence, pride, and peace you’ll feel when you stop telling yourself you’re wrong is amazing.
I can’t wait for you to reach that step! Need help getting there?
I’m here for you
Let’s hop on a free call so I can help
Psst, want to dive into this topic even more? Listen to episode 43. Saying 'Sorry' Is Damaging Your Self Worth! How to Stop Over Apologizing
