What People Pleasers Need to Know About Boundaries
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
People pleasers think setting boundaries is stressful, but NOT setting them leads to even greater strain as it causes constant over-extension, resentment, and emotional exhaustion.
The very idea of setting a boundary may make you feel scared! That’s okay — doing new things can feel that way, especially when we don’t have practice.
So how do we build stronger, HEALTHIER boundaries?
First, let’s take a quick look at what boundaries are. I know I didn’t have a clue about what they were and how bad mine sucked… or maybe I should say how they were basically non-existent in my life. I didn’t start figuring them out until 7 years ago.
If you’re like me, you weren’t taught boundaries and in fact, you may have been taught - in a way - to NOT have boundaries.
A good first step is to stop thinking about boundaries as being “mean” and to start thinking about them as being loving to you.
1 — Boundaries are a skill we learn.
They are an essential aspect of healthy relationships and our own well being. If they don’t feel instantly naturally to you, that’s okay. They are like any muscle we develop; we HAVE to build them. We HAVE to put in effort.
2 — Boundaries are guidelines for how you want others to interact with you.
They are our personal limits. They are basically what’s okay and not okay with you. Boundaries help create a framework for respectful and healthy communication. They indicate what you will and won’t tolerate.
While there are some standard boundaries that society suggests, many of these are going to be personal to you and your needs. Taking the time to figure them out and know the ‘why’ behind them will help you set boundaries with confidence.
This kind of self reflection can be difficult for people pleasers because you’ve trained your brain not to think about you.
If that rings true for you, let’s hop on a free call!
I know for me, my whole world changed when I got the guidance I needed to see not only my situation, but myself more clearly.
3 — Boundaries are safety measures.
They act as protective measures that help prevent others from taking advantage of you or overstepping in ways that cause stress. They prevent emotional, physical, and psychological harm.
4 — Boundaries indicate self respect. They are a reflection of how much you value yourself.
And you are greatly deserving of that! They communicate your needs and protect your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Boy, this one hit hard for me because my lack of boundaries also highlights the complete lack of self respect I used to have for myself!
5 — Boundaries are an empowerment tool. They empower you to take control of your life.
By setting and enforcing boundaries, YOU take ownership of YOUR experiences and assert YOUR right to a life that aligns with YOUR values, needs, and desires. They put you in the driver seat of your life and remove the victim mentality mindset.
Ultimately, boundaries are the foundation of caring for ourselves, strengthening the relationships we have with others, and finding our fulfillment in midlife.
The bottom line is: not having good boundaries is hurting you and your relationships.
When we are trying to be everything to everybody, we do so at the cost of own time. We sacrifice our personal time, which means we end up neglecting our own needs because we don't have the energy or space to focus on them.
The pressure to meet everyone's expectations can lead to so much stress and anxiety. When you're focused on pleasing others and making everything right for them - on doing everything for everybody - it takes away the joy of doing your own activities. Those activities that you used to love doing almost seem like a chore — like something to check off your to-do list.
Consistently allowing others to violate your boundaries can lead to feelings of resentment toward those people who overstep. It’s easy to think that THEY are the ones who are crossing the line and think our resentment is BECAUSE of them.
But the resentment is actually coming from the fact that we are not honoring our own limits and needs, which causes us to feel overlooked and undervalued.
Often people think they are setting boundaries, but in reality they are only partially implementing them.
I call these “leaky boundaries” or people who have a “hole in their boundary bucket.”
It’s great that you’re trying, but unless you can stop your bucket from emptying, you’ll never have enough energy to feel truly rested … to feel truly you.
Here are 7 ways to gauge your boundary success:
Do you have unclear limits? Leaky boundaries are vague or undefined limits on what’s acceptable to you. This leads to confusion about what behaviors are permissible.
Are you wishy washy about your preferences, needs, or dealbreakers? If you set or enforce boundaries sporadically, this is not healthy behavior. This ALSO leads to confusion about what’s acceptable to you.
Are your boundaries overly permeable? Boundaries that are too flexible or porous allow others to intrude or impact your personal space and well being.
Would you prefer to bite your tongue over bringing up something uncomfortable or that might rock the boat? This means you’re most likely ignoring boundaries that need to be set.
Is it difficult for you to say no? Maybe you don’t want to disappoint someone or you want to avoid conflict, but not being able to say no to others points to leaky boundaries.
Do you feel like you never have time for YOU? This can also come from not being able to say no and usually is the result of overextending yourself, trying to do everything for everyone else.
Do you have expectations and/or resentment toward other people? This is a clear sign that your boundary muscle is not being exercised very often. Resentment is a sign of leaky boundaries because it happens when people keep crossing your limits and not respecting what you need. When your boundaries aren't clear, you end up feeling upset and frustrated because others seem to be taking advantage of you. This builds up frustration and unhappiness, resulting in resentment.
When our boundaries are strong, we make sure that there’s space for us instead of us always moving our needs / wants / plans / dreams / opinions out of the way for others.
It’s hard to make space when we’re burned out, so we need to stop those leaks!
When it comes to setting strong boundaries, overhauling everything is overwhelming!
When things are too overwhelming, we (understandably) tend to avoid them or stop partway through.
Instead, I encourage you to:
Start experimenting with small changes.
Find a way to better connect with yourself, be that journaling, taking walks, having alone time, or finding someone you can talk to (sometimes processing externally can make things ‘click’).
Try setting a boundary in one area of your life, observe how it feels, and adjust as needed. This approach allows you to gradually build confidence and discover what works best for you, without the pressure of getting it perfect right away!
By taking it step by step, you can reduce the stress and anxiety that often come with making big changes, creating a more manageable and empowering path to stronger boundaries.
Boundaries are not black and white. They're not right or wrong. There's no good or bad. There's no cookie cutter answer. They are what works for you in your life.
Remember: it can be very difficult for people pleasers to know what works for them, so if you’re feeling that way, you’re not alone! I have a lot of resources and programs that may help. Send me a message and we can get started!
It’s easier with support
Want my 30-day roadmap for learning to set boundaries?
Psst, want to dive into this topic even more? Listen to episode 44. Boundary Mistakes People Make & How They Add Stress To Your Life
