Is Your Avoidance Hiding Who You Really Are?
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
Do you ever wonder if you really know who you are anymore?
Have you ever avoided speaking up when you’ve been hurt because you think you’re making a big deal out of nothing?
Do you skip taking time for yourself or feel guilty about it if you do?
Do you have a hard time making decisions or setting limits with others to avoid rocking the boat and to keep the peace?
Do you think you might be considered rude if you speak up… so you don’t?
We humans tend to think we can control a lot of things, and one way we try to do that is through avoidance.
When we avoid something - like speaking our opinion, saying no, or stating our needs - we’re seeking control.
Control over how we’re perceived.
Control over our peace by not causing outward conflict.
But all this avoiding has a cost to us.
The main one being that it impacts how we show up in our daily lives and in our interactions with others. Think about it, if you’re trying to avoid doing or saying something because you don’t want to be judged or misunderstood, criticized, or rejected, how are you going to show up in that situation?
As a lesser version of yourself, right?
And if we show up as diminished versions of ourselves, how does the other person actually get to know the real me?
They don’t, and eventually, neither will you.
They get to know the version of me who plays small and is disempowered and unable to manage or govern her own life. They don’t know what I really love or need. In fact, they see the version of me that I think they *want* to see… the version that I believe I NEED to be to be liked and accepted.
So why do we create these relationships where we avoid living as our authentic selves?
#1 — We inherited beliefs.
Science has shown that beliefs and values can be passed down from previous generations. It’s also shown that we can develop perceptions in utero…crazy, right?
We’re also conditioned to believe a lot after birth. All these beliefs - whether inherited or learned after birth - shape our perceptions of what’s possible or acceptable, creating limits on how we live our lives.
#2 — We limit ourselves through the fear of rejection.
From a young age, we learn to seek acceptance and approval from others. The fear of being rejected can cause us to avoid actions or expressions that might lead to disapproval.
#3 — Society has taught us to be guilt-driven.
When we’re motivated by guilt, we often make choices based on what we think we SHOULD do. This constant self-monitoring and fear of disappointing others keeps us from pursuing our own passions. Guilt limits our ability to make choices that show who WE really are and it keeps us stuck trying to make others happy.
#4 — We were conditioned to think there are parts of ourselves that are bad or wrong. We’re taught it’s bad to have a “negative” side, a DARK side.
We grow up believing we shouldn’t feel certain ways. We’re taught that certain emotions or feelings, traits and behaviors are wrong, and that we need to suppress them because they don’t fit what society says is good or worthy.
These traits or emotions have been labeled as negative or unacceptable and so we’re taught we should do what we can to avoid them. So what do we do? We suppress them. We hide them from the world because we don’t want to be unacceptable.
“Avoidance has never been a great tactic in solving any problem. For most situations in life, not addressing what's going on only makes matters worse.”
— Luvvie Ajayi
Here’s a list of 25 common things we avoid to not feel our own discomfort or someone else’s disappointment.
1. Conflict or confrontation: Avoiding disagreements or arguments with others.
2. Disappointing others: Steering clear of saying "no" to avoid letting someone down.
3. Rejection: Avoiding situations where we might be turned down or excluded.
4. Expressing our true feelings: Holding back emotions to keep the peace.
5. Setting limits with loved ones: Not establishing boundaries with family or close friends to avoid tension or drama.
6. Making decisions: Avoiding making choices that could upset others.
7. Taking risks: Steering clear of new opportunities out of fear of failure or criticism.
8. Prioritizing self-care: Avoiding activities that focus on our well-being because it feels selfish.
9. Standing up for ourselves: Not asserting our needs or desires to avoid conflict.
10. Being vulnerable/judged: Avoiding opening up to others out of fear of being hurt or judged.
11. Asking for help: Not seeking support to avoid feeling needy or dependent.
12. Communicating boundaries: Not telling others what we need to maintain healthy relationships.
13. Making others uncomfortable: Avoiding actions that might create awkwardness or unease in others.
14. Taking responsibility for our happiness: Relying on others to make us happy instead of setting boundaries that protect our well-being.
15. Expressing opinions: Holding back thoughts to avoid criticism or disagreement.
16. Taking time for ourselves: Avoiding alone time because we feel guilty for not being available to others.
17. Ending toxic relationships: Staying in unhealthy relationships to avoid the discomfort of ending them.
18. Being a burden: Avoiding asking for help or sharing a hurt to avoid feeling like we’re imposing on others or adding to their problems..
19. Holding others accountable: Avoiding calling out someone’s behavior to keep the peace.
20. Taking responsibility: Not acknowledging our role in a situation to avoid feeling guilt or shame.
22. Saying "no": Avoiding turning down requests to avoid guilt, rejection, or conflict.
23. Avoiding Imperfection: Striving for perfection to avoid the discomfort of criticism, failure, or feeling inadequate.
24. Accepting compliments: Brushing off praise to avoid the discomfort of being in the spotlight or feeling unworthy.
25. Admitting mistakes: Avoiding acknowledging errors to prevent feelings of inadequacy or failure.
So what’s the ultimate cost of all this avoidance?
When I think about the things my clients avoid and look at what I’ve avoided in my own life, the biggest problem I see from all the dodging we’re doing is how much we abandon ourselves.
We stay silent instead of speaking up, and let our voices be overshadowed by all the fears we’re wanting to avoid.
We don’t get OUR needs met because we’re so focused and worried about what might happen if we DO speak up… if we DO go against that loud voice telling us to avoid conflict, disappointment, or rejection at all costs.
When we try to keep the peace or protect ourselves from discomfort, we end up sacrificing our own well-being, and again, we let our needs go unmet, and we lose touch with who we truly are.
You deserve more.
This self-abandonment leaves us feeling empty and unsatisfied because we keep putting everyone else’s needs first.
We don’t set the boundaries that we need to take care of ourselves… to protect our own well being. Over time, this pattern eats away at our self-worth, leading to a life where we’re always there for others, but never truly there for ourselves.
If you struggle with this, one simple strategy you can start using today is the "I" statement technique. Instead of staying silent when you're hurt:
Express your feelings by saying, "I feel [emotion] when [situation] because [reason]."
The reason part is optional. You can offer it or leave it off.
This “I’ statement approach focuses on your experience and how YOU feel. When we say how WE feel, it usually takes away the likelihood that the other person will get defensive.
here are some examples of “i” statements
“I feel hurt when you cancel our plans at the last minute."
"I feel frustrated when I'm interrupted during meetings because I don’t get to clearly communicate my contributions."
what not to do:
People have a tendency to mis-phrase it by saying, “I feel like you blah blah blah” or “I feel like you don’t like my cooking.”
Saying “I feel like” is not a feeling. It’s a thought that you’re projecting onto the other person.
If you’re disappointed or hurt because they didn’t eat much of the food you made, then say, “I feel disappointed when I make a meal and you don’t eat it.” And then ask for clarification.
“Do you not care for such and such?” Maybe they’re avoiding telling you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.
Are you ready to break the avoidance cycle and stop morphing yourself to fit in and be accepted?
I want you to live a life centered around your needs and your joy.
To help, I’ve created a FREE guide that gives you specific ways to deal with the primary reasons people use avoidance tactics!
I’m here for you
Are you ready to say “yes” to yourself instead of everyone else?
Psst, want to dive into this topic even more? Listen to episode 45. The Avoidance Trap That Causes Us to Not Set Boundaries
