The Art of Enforcing Boundaries: How to Stand Firm Without Feeling Rude
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
Have you ever avoided spending time with someone because you knew they’d push your boundaries, even when you’ve already expressed what you need?
Do you ever feel guilty or were you made to feel guilty for wanting to protect your space, especially with people you care about?
Is it possible to stay close with someone while standing firm on what’s important to you… or will you end up alienating them and possibly lose the relationship?
Learning to set boundaries is an essential part of the journey to overcoming people pleasing
… but after you’ve worked up the courage to say “no” once, what happens if you have to say it again?
How do we enforce our boundaries without feeling rude?
We’ve all had this moment. Perhaps it came out of nowhere or maybe it was with someone you know has trouble making space for you.
They said something and you said no. You were clear and direct. Yet they tried again … and now this time you’re feeling worn down.
So much emotional energy went into the first no! Now they are justifying their request, putting pressure on you, and making you feel awkward. What now?!
If you’ve experienced this, you’re not alone.
I had a podcast listener recently ask me about this. She said that setting boundaries with casual friends doesn’t feel rude at all, but when it comes to certain kinds of people or people she actually wants to get closer to, it’s a different story.
I asked her what she means by “being rude,” and she said, “Being rude means that the other person didn’t get their way. If someone wants to know something that I don’t want to share, I feel like I’ve disappointed them by not sharing—and that somehow translates to being rude in my head.”
She shared that “pushiness,” as she described it, from friends keeps her from wanting to hang out with them at all. Even speaking her truth with certain people that she actually wants to have closer relationships with is challenging.
By not enforcing her boundaries, she’s actually distancing herself from the relationship she values. It’s like the fear of losing the friendship by setting a boundary is leading her to... well, lose the friendship. Rather than facing the discomfort of setting the boundary and dealing with the awkwardness, she pulls back from the relationship itself.
She also said that setting boundaries feels way harder in person, which makes sense because when we’re face-to-face with someone, their non-verbal cues, the tension, or even just feeling their energy can make it really hard to stand firm.
She’s so tuned into other people’s reactions that she starts to equate that awkwardness with being rude.
A big takeaway here is that when we’ve spent most of our lives people-pleasing, it becomes second nature to do whatever it takes to keep others comfortable.
And let’s be real, it’s not just about keeping them comfortable—it’s how we feel comfortable and safe too. We morph ourselves to fit what we think THEY need because we’ve learned that this is how we keep the peace. We end up saying the things we think they want to hear because that’s what we’ve always done.
When she said, "I feel like I’ve disappointed them when I don’t share," that hit me because it highlights this assumption that not sharing, or not giving them what they want, feels like doing something wrong.
So, now she’s trying to set boundaries—which is a big deal—but it feels rude because her brain is still wired to that old habit.
That habit of sharing, of saying what you think the other person wants to hear, just takes over automatically and that’s what’s making healthy boundaries such a challenge.
What happens is we end up basing our feelings on how we think OTHER people feel. Their discomfort makes us uncomfortable, so we’re tempted to give in just to make that awkward energy go away.
So how do we go from caving to standing firm?
1 — To stand firm with your boundaries, use the truth of them as your foundation.
Reject the great lie that boundaries are rude, selfish, or the true source of problems. This will give you support and clarity in the moment.
If you aren’t ready to accept that yet (and that’s okay — that’s where I come in!) and adjust your mindset, then it’s going to be difficult to withstand them convincing you that you’re the problem.
The beauty of this mindset is that while it’s protecting you, it’s really not about you specifically. It’s true for everyone!
Remember, weak boundaries can lead to:
avoiding meaningful relationships altogether, because we’re afraid of disappointing others or being pushed to do things we don’t want to.
Psst … I just did a post about the avoidance cycle: read it here!resentment building up. When we say yes to things we don’t want to do, over time, resentment creeps in. This resentment also creates emotional distance in the same relationships we want to grow deeper, causing even more disconnection.
self-neglect and burnout. When we prioritize others’ needs over our own, we’re left feeling drained and less able to care for ourselves. And if we’re constantly burned out, there’s no way we can be fully present or engaged in our relationships.
2 — Feeling "rude" could actually be a signal that someone else is stepping over your boundaries, and the discomfort you’re feeling might not be rudeness at all.
It could be something deeper—like resentment, frustration, or even a sense of being disrespected.
When you’ve spent most of your life trying to keep others comfortable, any time you push back or stand up for yourself, it can feel like you’re doing something wrong.
In reality, that feeling of being "rude" is often just a disguise for the real emotion underneath, like feeling disrespected or unappreciated because someone isn’t honoring the boundaries you're trying to set… and maybe this is a feeling that goes back to childhood. I know I felt like any boundary I set when I was young was completely trampled on.
By learning to better interpret your initial responses, you can understand what you really need in the moment.
3 — Understand that clear boundaries are actually KIND.
Fuzzy, leaky boundaries are actually inauthentic and even a bit manipulative because you’re not being upfront about what you need or want. You’re making the other person guess or you’re leading them to believe something different than what’s actually true for you.
4 — Use “I” statements to get the person out of defense mode and communicate clearly.
This simple trick is incredibly important.
🚫 I feel like you _____. (This is not a feeling, it’s a criticism.)
⭐️ I feel [emotion'] when you do [behavior] because [reason].
Here are 3 examples I gave this listener:
"I feel overwhelmed when you encourage me to go out because I really value my alone time and need it to recharge."
"I feel uncomfortable when personal questions come up during our conversations because I’m not ready to share that part of my life."
"I feel pressured when I sense you're disappointed in my choices because I want to prioritize my own needs and find a balance in our friendship."
What if you could set boundaries without feeling rude or selfish?
Imagine how much more energy and peace you’d have if you stopped avoiding the uncomfortable and stopped saying yes to things that drain you!
I’ve got the thing to help you do JUST that! It’s called: “Your 30 Day Roadmap to Setting Strong, Healthy Boundaries, Without Feeling Guilty, Selfish or Like a B*tch.”
I’ve packed it full of everything I wished I’d had when I was learning the skill of setting healthy boundaries… and it definitely is a skill that most of us aren’t taught.
This resource is delivered 100% via email so there are no endless videos to watch or workshops to attend.
You get to do it at your pace and in your time, and start it whenever you sign up. You get an email each day for 30 days with valuable tools on building and maintaining boundaries in your life… even if you’re terrified to speak your mind or say no.
I’m here for you
Are you ready to say “yes” to yourself instead of everyone else?
Psst, want to dive into this topic even more? Listen to episode 46. Boundaries: Are You Being Rude & Selfish? A Listener Question
