Do You Say 'Sorry' Too Much? How Over Apologizing Impacts Your Confidence
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
Do you find yourself apologizing for things you don't need to be sorry for? If so, you're not alone.
Many people have developed the habit of over-apologizing, which can have a negative impact on confidence, self-esteem, and communication skills.
It might seem like a small thing — it’s just an apology, right?
But apologizing for things we don't need to be sorry for undermines our self-worth and makes us appear as if we're doing something wrong.
What is over-apologizing exactly?
It's when someone apologizes excessively or unnecessarily for things that are not their fault or responsibility. People who over apologize often do so as a way of people pleasing, wanting to be liked and accepted by others.
Here are some examples:
Sorry to bother you.
Sorry, can I ask you something?
Sorry, can you repeat that?
Sorry I can't come.
Sorry I forgot.
Sorry, but I have to go.
Or my pet peeve… Sorry I didn’t text you back right away
The thing is: In all of these instances, you did nothing wrong … but apologizing leads your brain to believe you did, causing you to feel bad about yourself without really understanding why.
Why do we over apologize?
1 — To avoid conflict
If you grew up being taught to not rock the boat, you probably didn’t learn how to navigate conflict, so you learned to take the blame to avoid confrontation.
2 — To fit in and be liked/accepted
Apologizing and taking the blame can feel like a way to gain acceptance and approval from others. If you fear rejection or criticism, apologizing can be a way to beat the other person to the punch and keep the rejection or criticism from happening.
3 — To please and maintain harmony
It’s easy to think that if we “pre-apologize” for something, that we’ll avoid the negative consequences and maintain harmony in the relationship.
4 — To avoid discomfort
You might be uncomfortable speaking your truth because you’re afraid of how the other person will take it, so you preface it with an apology.
5 — To be polite and nice
Were you taught that saying ‘sorry’ was the polite thing to do? Many of us as kids learned that being ‘nice’ was the ‘right’ way to be. “Say sorry to your friend (or sibling).”
6 — To avoid being judged
It’s common to have a fear of being judged as bossy or a know-it-all so you apologize for what you’re about to say.
Here are some ways it can impact your life:
1 — It erodes away at self esteem
It can cause you to feel guilty and responsible for things that aren’t your fault or responsibility, and can lead to doubting and losing confidence in yourself.
2 — It can actually cause conflict
People may become frustrated or annoyed with the excessive apologies, which can lead to misunderstandings.
3 — It diminishes the meaningfulness of a real apology
It can cause people to not believe you when you DO have a sincere apology.
4 — It creates an unhealthy dynamic in relationships
For example, it can create a situation where you constantly feel like you have to apologize, and then others come to expect you to take on this role.
5 — It signals you may be a people pleaser
Which, as we know, may actually lead to toxic people taking advantage of you.
6 — It can make you appear less confident at work
This can chip away at your credibility and authority, making you appear less qualified for leadership positions.
With all these negative effects of over apologizing, why do we REALLY do it?
Bottom line is…… it’s a habit.
Saying sorry has become a habit just as automatic as putting on your seatbelt or brushing your teeth. You don’t even realize you’re doing it.
Here’s the problem with this seemingly innocent habit. Your brain begins to associate this behavior- this habit - as part of your identity… hence the feeling we get of “that’s just the way I am.” And it solidifies the belief that “I’m not good enough,” “I always mess things up,” or “I don’t deserve to take up space.” It becomes a vicious cycle then of apologizing excessively, which reinforces those negative beliefs, causing you to apologize even more.
But here’s the real problem with living with this habit, saying it’s just who you are.
Apologizing excessively can make you feel like not only are you always in the wrong…but that YOU are wrong.
This leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and low self worth.
Just like any habit, you can replace it with a different habit.
In Episode 11 of my podcast, I offer reframes of what to say instead of “sorry I didn’t text you back right away,” “sorry, can I ask you something,” “sorry I can’t come,” etc so that you stop diminishing yourself when you did nothing wrong.
The most effective way to stop this habit and make sure the change sticks is to work with someone experienced in guiding people through this type of transformation. You CAN retrain your brain if you know the tools and steps to take to do it.
If you over apologize and you’re ready to stop the cycle, reach out to me. I’ve taught others how to overcome this and have the methodology to guide you through it too.
Changing your beliefs will lead to a better life with improved confidence, self esteem, and deeper relationships with others.
You’re worth it!
want to learn more? tune in to the podcast ⤵
Are you ready to break the cycle?
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