Lessons of a Recovered People Pleaser
6 years ago, I hit my ultimate turning point that started me on a journey of healing. My 3rd husband had just walked out in a rage. I blamed him and his toxic, controlling behavior causing our marriage to fail. Yet in truth, it was MY unhealthy, codependent behavior that caused me to say ‘“I do” to him. I tried to keep the peace and not hurt his feelings, which people-pleasing traits.
The Secrets to Making Radical New Year’s Resolutions That Work!
Ever found yourself in the cycle of New Year's resolutions, going all gung-ho on changing something in your life, but ending up in déjà vu and disappointment? Well, here's a reality check: It takes a lot more than a resolution to change. In this blog, I’m giving you three science-based reasons why it’s almost impossible to get change through resolutions and why 92% of resolutions fail.
Are You a Holiday Season Peacekeeper or People Pleaser?
There are 2 common ways I see my clients handling the holidays: by being peacekeepers or people pleasers. For some, this is a year-long system they have set up for protection. For others, the added stress of the holidays brings out their shields. Do any of these sound like you?
Lies People Pleasers Tell Themselves (& How They Keep Us Stuck)
For the last 6 years, I’ve studied the beliefs that drove my people-pleasing behaviors and I realized they were ALL lies. They were stories I’d started telling myself about how I had to be a certain way, say the right things, put others first, make sure I never hurt anyone’s feelings, get along, stay quiet, do what I was told, fit in. All of these stories I learned as a young girl. And these stories followed me everywhere… ‘cause ya know - wherever you go, there you are. To college, on dates, in interviews, at jobs, with my friends and partners. Everywhere!
The Hidden Price of Being Nice
Being nice and being kind are NOT the same thing! Being ‘nice’ is a learned behavior that started developing in us before the age of 8. We were taught to be good and not be any trouble. Don’t talk back, listen to your teachers, do what you’re told. We’re taught that it’s wrong to speak up, it’s bad to say no, and it’s conceited to think of yourself. This leads to people pleasing in midlife.
Break Free from People Pleasing Through the Power of Community
You’ve spent so much time doing everything for everyone to keep them happy and continually put yourself on the back burner, telling yourself you’ll take care of yourself later. Now you you feel guilty for spending it on yourself. What would it be like to be in a place where it was safe to share how you are feeling and not fear being judged? This is the beauty of community.
How to Stop Living in a Midlife FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)
Dear Midlife Woman who has always prioritized others over yourself, this is for you. If you struggle with disappointment and resentment, feeling selfish for doing something just for you, saying no, and feeling like you’ve got nothing left to give, you’re most likely living in a FOG that has been clouding your life. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, and as people pleasers, we know all three very well. Learn how to control FOG and start living a life for you.
How to Have More Happiness and Peace in Midlife
Life has a tricky way of sneaking up on us. One minute, we’re young and full of dreams, and the next moment, we’re in our middle years, caught up in our routines, thinking “this is as good as it gets.” But it doesn’t have to be this way. You CAN create whatever you want in your life at whatever age!
Do You Say 'Sorry' Too Much? How Over Apologizing Impacts Your Confidence
Do you find yourself apologizing for things you don't need to be sorry for? If so, you're not alone. Many people have developed the habit of over-apologizing, which can have a negative impact on confidence, self-esteem, and communication skills.
Why People Pleasers Attract Toxic People
People pleasers go out of their way to make others happy, and many times do not see how this life-long behavior is impacting their own well being. They put their own needs and desires on the back burner, over time resulting in frustration, disappointment, resentment, and even burnout.
Expectations and Resentments and Stress, Oh My!
Expectations are the beliefs we have about how things or people “should” be and resentments are the emotions we experience when those expectations aren’t met.
Expectations cause us to think things or people should be different… that they should be doing it the way WE think they should do it. And when people don’t do it our way or things don’t go our way, then we get resentful, disappointed, or angry.
Midlife - Think You’d Have It All Figured Out By Now?
Self care is about building a life that you have no need to want to escape. It’s about creating peace, happiness, and contentment in your every day life… however that looks to YOU! I guarantee, though, that no amount of spa days and pedis will create that kind of deep fulfillment for you.
4 Questions to Rate Your Self Care
Self care is about building a life that you have no need to want to escape. It’s about creating peace, happiness, and contentment in your every day life… however that looks to YOU! I guarantee, though, that no amount of spa days and pedis will create that kind of deep fulfillment for you.
3 Shocking Reasons Your New Year’s Resolutions Fail
There’s nothing much more satisfying to me than a clean slate, a chance to start fresh… and that’s what January 1st represents for most of us every year.
We let go of all the crap from the past and are ready to take the world by storm, creating everything we’ve ever wanted in our life.
But statistics show that a mere 8% of us actually DO take the world by storm.
If you’re in the 92% who have lofty goals on January 1 and then are beating yourself up by January 31, here are 3 reasons you may not know about how your brain works against you and your lofty goals.
HALT - How To Manage Stress at the Holidays… and Every Day
What is the HALT method and how can it be used to manage holiday stress?
The added stress of the holidays can heighten our negative reactions to things and people. Add in a dose of the hustle and bustle and additional spending, and it’s easy for the stress to get out of control.
This can make it seem like the world is conspiring against you and that Murphy’s Law is a given - Everything that can go wrong will go wrong.
By using the HALT method, you can make sure you’re not adding to your stress by learning to monitor these key areas.
The Secret to Creating Real Change in Midlife
By midlife, most of us have developed a lot of habits. And many of them we don’t like - eating junk food, not working out regularly, watching too much TV, procrastinating. Maybe smoking or drinking too much is on your list too.
By definition, a habit is something repeated enough times it becomes automatic.
Come home from work, take off your shoes, and veg on the couch for longer than you wanted. Turn on a movie and mindlessly eat the whole bag of chips while watching. Drink a half bottle of wine while preparing dinner.
Do these once, and it’s no big deal. But repeated over and over, and suddenly you have a habit you don’t even think about, and one you probably don’t want.
Most of us think of habits as something we do (or don’t do)... physical things. But that’s not what this blog is about.
Have you ever considered that your thoughts are habits too?
How Expectations Are Destroying Your Happiness
When we get to midlife, we can have some pretty hefty expectations of what life is supposed to look like. Happy marriage, fulfilling career, looking forward to retirement, stable health, money in the bank, kids off creating their own life, grandkids on the way.
And when different things happen - divorce, no kids or kids not following the path we wanted, no grandkids, job loss, partner unfaithful, etc - it can feel devastating because “life isn’t going as I expected.”
5 Midlife Fears That Steal Your Inner Peace
What is inner peace anyway? Inner peace is a deliberate state of calm despite potential stresses in your life. It doesn’t happen randomly, and with all the things going on in the world around us on a daily basis, peace can seem fleeting or even non-existent.
It’s like having a room in your house unorganized and filled with clutter when you walk in the room.
How to Let Go of Control to Find Your Happiness
We think holding on is how we control a situation. And if we’re in control, that means we’re safe… we feel secure in the control. And the feeling of safety comes from things staying the same. Yet even in midlife, we are capable of making changes to our lives and it all starts with learning how to let go and release our need for control. If you don’t let go, you can’t make room for something better!