4 Questions to Rate Your Self Care
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
Self care… what does it mean anyway? Society has us thinking that self care is spending hours at the spa, treating ourselves to mani/pedis, candles and champagne, or taking lavish vacations where we can get away from the stresses of everyday life.
But self care is not about doing something to escape from your life.
True self care is about building a life that you have no need to want to escape.
It’s about creating peace, happiness, and contentment in your every day life… however that looks to YOU!
I guarantee that no amount of spa days and pedis will create that kind of deep fulfillment for you.
A few years ago, when I was beginning to uncover how much I had abandoned myself with people pleasing and putting everyone else’s needs, feelings, and opinions above my own, my coach asked me a pivotal question: “What are you doing currently to take care of yourself?” I happily replied that I take baths, read, eat fairly healthy, and get the occasional pedicure. She sweetly pointed out that I was missing a slew of more important self-care items.
I have never forgotten that conversation. Today I can say that I am very strong on my self care, and it hasn’t cost me a fortune spending hours at the spa.
Nurturing peace, happiness, and contentment in your life - this is the goal - this is true self care and it looks different for everyone.
question #1:
Am I comfortable setting healthy boundaries?
As little girls, we were taught to be nice and sweet. We learned to people please and be agreeable. ‘Selfish’ was a dirty word. And then we grew into adult girls who think we have to do it all, say yes to everything, and never let anyone down.
But when we don’t set some boundaries and put ourselves first sometimes (yes, be selfish!), life gets severely out of balance, you get frustrated and exhausted, and you resort to wine and chocolate in the bathtub… and call it self care. Stop worrying about whether people are going to like you. You have to say ‘enough is enough,’ draw a line in the sand, and learn that it’s okay to say no to everyone else and put yourself first.
question #2:
Do I have primarily positive self talk?
Have you ever really stopped to listen to what you say to yourself… over and over and over? If you listen, you realize it’s like you have a roommate in your head and she’s constantly chattering! It’s non-stop and 80% of it is negative. But you don’t have a roommate; that’s actually YOU thinking those thoughts, running the same programming day after day.
The thing is…your magnificent mind thinks the things you say to yourself are important and true, and its job is to bring experiences to you as proof that you’re right. So if you say to yourself, “I’ll never be able to lose weight” or “I’ll always be broke” or “I’m no good at this,” your subconscious believes you and then seeks out more of the same so that you can be right.
But the beauty is our brain has neuroplasticity, which is a fancy way of saying that the brain can form and reorganize connections, and learn new ways of being through consistent repetition. You CAN teach an old dog new tricks! You can train your brain to cut out the negative self talk and replace it with empowering talk so that you can create whatever great stuff you’re wanting to create.
“The inner reality creates the outer form.”
question #3:
Do I plug my energy leaks?
Not doing things you know need to be done creates negative energy within you. This could be something like not going to the doctor or dentist when you know something needs addressed. (This was me… true story.) Or it could be seeking help for your anger or anxiety issues.
Putting these things off means you continue to dwell on it and that creates more negative energy inside. You don’t do ‘the thing’ because you’re avoiding something you’re not wanting to face. That negative energy keeps building until the thing you’re avoiding becomes something far worse in your head than it will actually turn out to be. You get paralyzed by the fear because of how bad you’ve imagined it to be.
This means that fear is in the driver’s seat. You carry around this energy wherever you go and it poisons everything in your world. Not working on yourself and the things in your life that need taken care of causes you to leak energy. Take action - a small first step - on whatever it is you’re avoiding. Make that appointment, have that conversation, ask for help.
question #4:
Am I my own source?
It’s time to stop looking outside yourself for things: approval, validation, cheerleading, comfort, soothing, grace, wisdom, decisions, your value, feelings of worthiness, acceptance, unconditional love. These all come from within. When we look outside ourselves to determine our value and worth, we will always feel less than. We will never live up to what we think other people think we should be.
Until you start sourcing these things from within, you will seek out people to try and get these things from them. And then when they don’t respond how you’d like, it reinforces the story you have of not being worthy or good enough.
It takes awareness and practice to give these things to yourself, and it takes a mindset that you’re worthy of them.
True self care is doing what it takes to know your worth and value.
Start trusting yourself and standing in your own power. You are a divine human being who is worthy of it all.
“Do not look for sanctuary in anyone except yourself.”
How did you do? Did any surprise you?
If this made you realize you have a long way to go for great self care, remember that this isn’t your fault.
As women, we’re ingrained with the programming that love means self sacrifice. The messaging has been that you need to put yourself last… on the back burner. But in order to truly be there for your family and friends, your cup needs to be full first.
Remember: YOU are the only one responsible for filling your cup and self care is about building a life that you have no need to escape.
It’s about creating peace, happiness, and contentment in your every day life… however that looks to YOU!
Great self care can start today with taking a new action. Which one do you need to start work on first?
It’s time to trade in fear. Invest in joy. Confidence. Peace.
Say goodbye to your old life and claim your FREE call to determine if coaching and/or hypnosis feels right for you.