Midlife - Think You’d Have It All Figured Out By Now?
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
Remember when you were a teenager or young adult and most of the people older than you seemed to have their life all figured out?
They had the family, the great job, the kids, the beautiful home, and a dog.
Or even if THEY didn’t have it figured out, you knew YOU would by the time you were their age.
And then you get to “that age” and you get fired or divorced or lose your investments or something else happens that has you feeling out of sorts… and suddenly life seems out of control. That vision of having it all figured out is gone.
Why do we feel like we’d have it all figured out by a certain age?
Why is it so damn hard to accept ourselves for not having a better handle on life?
Here are 3 reasons:
Society places a huge emphasis on achievement and success, and there are expectations by “this point in our lives” that we should have a clear sense of who we are and what we want. When we don’t, this can make it difficult to accept ourselves if we feel like we don’t have it all figured out.
When we compare ourselves to others, especially those who seem to be more successful or put together than we are, we then perceive ourselves as falling short. This makes it difficult to accept ourselves for who we are.
Not feeling like we have life figured out can set off the inner critic. We judge ourselves for our perceived shortcomings or mistakes, and struggle to forgive ourselves for not living up to our own expectations. This critical mindset can make it hard to accept ourselves for not having a better handle on midlife.
It’s hard to accept that we aren’t “there.” And now at this age, that we might not ever get “there.” And that can make us feel like we failed.
Here’s the thing: thinking the above thoughts is focusing on what we don’t have. There are absolutely no rules about what a person should have at midlife… or at any age.
Focusing on what you haven’t achieved yet is defeating, and most likely based on others expect of you. Just because you don’t have something at a certain age means nothing. If you want it, go get it!
Start accepting where and who you are, and if there are certain things about where and who you are that you want to change, then change them.
1 — Celebrate all of your accomplishments.
We’re taught to not brag or be boastful or to talk about ourselves and that teaches us that it’s not right to celebrate ourselves. I was taught it wasn’t nice to talk about myself. We diminish our accomplishments because we’ve learned that that gives off the vibe of being “better than” someone else. It becomes a habit to not feel good about what you’ve accomplished.
The good news is that your subconscious mind is listening so even though dismissing your accomplishments has become a habit, you can create a new habit. Your brain takes note of every time you celebrate, so when you consistently start celebrating big and little things… (side note: there really is no such thing as a little thing)… you create a new habit that the mind recognizes and you will start experiencing more cool things to celebrate. It’s the Law of Attraction and Cause and Effect.
2 — Embrace your gifts … your uniqueness.
By this I mean, embrace what maybe you feel is even a negative thing about you. For me, I’m very sensitive and sentimental. I show my emotions and that used to be embarrassing and I would try to hide that I was emotional… that I was crying or that the tears were on the verge of coming. And now I see that side of me as something that is a positive.
So look at the things in your life that maybe you have in the past pushed down as wrong and start embracing them as one of your gifts. By me being vulnerable and emotional, that creates an authenticity in me that allows other people to let their guard down and test the waters of being more vulnerable also.
3 — Check your self talk
Is your inner critic pretty strong and loud? Is it like you have a roommate in your head constantly criticizing you? That voice is actually YOU. YOU have created the habit of talking to yourself this way and now it runs on autopilot. These voices are your old wounds coming up and retelling them in your head continues to reinforce the wound. But if you wouldn’t say those things to your friend or a child, then stop abusing yourself with this type of talk. If you’ve never looked at learning how to deal with your inner critic, I encourage you to get support.
Change is possible
I’ve helped lots of women learn to talk kindly to themselves… with more love and respect than some of them have ever experienced!
It transforms their lives because everything is better when you like the person you see in the mirror.
Because the thing is… this negative self talk is not only impacting your relationship with yourself, but it’s impacting everyone in your life.
Living in unconditional acceptance of yourself on a daily basis is the key to finding happiness at midlife… or any age.
You have to commit to that journey and then stay in integrity with it.
How will you start showing unconditional acceptance to yourself today?
When you alter who you are on the inside first instead of waiting for your circumstances or other people to change… when YOU change, your outcomes change. Your relationships deepen, toxic things and people fall away, you feel more respected, loved, and appreciated because YOU are giving those things to yourself FIRST.
If this resonates with you and you’d like to dive in deeper, reach out to me. Together we can train your brain to stop the negative self-talk cycle.
“I read and walked for miles at night along the beach… searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person could be me.”
It’s time to trade in fear. Invest in joy. Confidence. Peace.
Say goodbye to your old life and claim your FREE call to determine if coaching and/or hypnosis feels right for you.