Lies People Pleasers Tell Themselves (& How They Keep Us Stuck)
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
For the last 6 years, I’ve studied the beliefs that drove my people-pleasing behaviors and I realized they were ALL lies.
They were stories I’d started telling myself about how I had to be a certain way, say the right things, put others first, make sure I never hurt anyone’s feelings, get along, stay quiet, do what I was told, fit in. All of these stories I learned as a young girl.
They followed me everywhere… ‘cause ya know - wherever you go, there you are. To college, on dates, in interviews, at jobs, with my friends and partners. Everywhere!
But they were all lies. Here are 2 of them. Have you bought into either of these?
people pleaser LIE #1
I believed I had to be loyal at all costs. Once I committed to something, I thought it was bad, wrong, or disloyal to change my mind.
This belief caused me to stay in college in a major I realized partway through wasn’t the best one for me. I loved my nutrition and psychology courses, but I had been accepted to dental hygiene school so I believed I had to see it through. I believed changing majors would’ve disappointed a lot of people.
And then I graduated, passed the dental hygiene national and state exams and practiced in a field for approximately 10 years even though I would be doubled over in pain every Sunday knowing I had to go to work the next day.
Believing I had to be loyal at any cost also caused me to go through with my first marriage, even though the night before the wedding I knew something wasn’t right. I told myself I had committed so I couldn’t change my mind now.
Believing the lie of loyalty cost me a lot in my life.
It kept me in places I didn’t want to stay and told me to put my needs after everyone else’s "rules." This included jobs, marriages, and even friendships that were no longer serving me.
people pleaser LIE #2
I believed that it was kind to give others the benefit of the doubt.
Many many years ago, I called myself the Queen of 2nd Chances and I wore the crown proudly. I really thought it was a good thing and that I was being kind. I was always willing to overlook something someone had done because I thought it made me a better person to do that.
But giving someone the benefit of the doubt means that there is some doubt already involved. It’s built into the saying.
We are so willing to overlook that doubt though because we believe that we’re good people and everyone else must be good people too… and someone who loves us wouldn’t do hurtful things to us.
So we tell ourselves that we’re imagining what they did and we talk ourselves out of it, taking the blame for doubting in the first place. This is a form of gaslighting ourselves, believing we’re at fault for doubting them.
My 3rd husband started showing extremely controlling behaviors shortly after we were married. When I would bring up commitments that he wasn’t keeping, he would turn it around on me and say that he never said that, which led me to doubt myself and I continued to give him another chance to follow through.
Always giving the benefit of the doubt, especially when you have reason to doubt, leads to a dangerous cycle of self blame and SELF doubt.
It erodes away at self esteem, making us question our own instincts and perceptions. It can ultimately lead to a lack of self trust, making it even harder to set healthy boundaries and assert our needs in the future.
It can keep us trapped in places where our wellbeing is consistently compromised.
Pssttt… There’s a 3rd lie people pleasers tell themselves — find out by listening to the podcast episode!
Wanna test out something challenging you believe to see if it’s really true or if it’s a lie? Here’s the litmus test: Take a belief you have and apply it to someone else in your life.
If THEY believed it and followed it, would you question why they do? Does it hold true for them too? For example, if your friend is staying in a marriage that you’ve heard her complain about over and over, would you applaud her for staying out of loyalty? Probably not, because you see the devastating effects the belief in that lie is causing her.
I have a large list of lies I believed and followed as truths.
If this resonates with you and you’re wondering if a pattern that keeps repeating in your life is caused by a lie you’re believing, reach out. Let’s chat!
I have a complimentary call where we’ll talk about where you feel stuck or struggling, and we can investigate what’s happening. Many times we can’t see these things in ourselves without someone else helping us uncover them.
That’s why they’re called blind spots.
I know that if you’re reading this, you probably have a servant’s heart. You WANT to serve others and live a life of giving.
Here’s the thing: we cannot be fully serving others from the goodness of our hearts when we’re worried about pleasing them. Pleasing is not the same thing as serving.