Are You a Holiday Season Peacekeeper or People Pleaser?
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
The holiday season can be a wonderful time of year … but it can also bring a wave of stressors
Whether your to-do list just keeps growing, your finances keep dipping, or you’re bracing for the yearly barrage of questions, finding a ‘normal’ balance can be challenging!
To make it more difficult, we’re told that we should be having a magical time. From movies to the songs on the radio, we’re inundated with images of romance, big gestures, happy families, and expensive gifts. This can create unrealistic expectations that often leave us trying harder instead of listening to our true wants and needs.
During the holidays, it can be easy to slip into “safe” mode.
This is especially true for those with turbulent family get togethers where conflict, confrontation, and chaos abound. When we don’t trust those around us to have the best interest of us (or others) in mind, that makes it difficult to relax, much less have fun.
If your family is like that, you know what it’s like to walk on eggshells.
As a child, you probably didn’t know exactly what was wrong. All you knew were that some people made you uncomfortable or upset others. It probably seemed inevitable, causing anxiety.
You didn’t know what you know today: that you’re only in control of yourself.
We want so badly to enjoy ourselves that we try to guarantee an outcome by using manipulation tactics we learned as children.
You might be thinking that sounds extreme. After all, all you want is for everyone to get along!
While there is absolutely nothing wrong with that sentiment, the way you’re going about it may be unfair to you and the ones you love. It’s far more helpful to set up safe boundaries than it is to try to control how others act.
Their actions are their responsibility, not yours.
There are 2 common ways I see my clients handling the holidays: by being peacekeepers or people pleasers
For some, this is a year-long system they have set up for protection. For others, the added stress of the holidays brings out their shields. Do any of these sound like you?
Peacekeepers strive to control how everyone in the larger group is interacting. They try to prevent arguments and put themselves in the middle of fights to ensure a peaceful outcome.
What does this look like?
Handling the gift shopping task on others’ behalf to ensure nobody is disappointed in the gift they open
Tracking what everyone is doing and micromanaging them
You’re one of the first people to step in if there’s conflict
Getting involved in personal matters instead of letting people be responsible for themselves
Being an intermediary during fights
Giving your advice when it was not asked for
Doing extra emotional work to make sure everyone is okay
You try to enforce or explain the boundaries of others
If this is you, you may wear this title as a badge. People have probably learned to ask you first when planning something so as to not upset you.
They also most likely rely on you to get a lot of the work done, which leaves you feeling like the burden is all on you.
While you get some praise for all your hard work, wouldn’t it feel better if you didn’t feel like the only one who cared?
While a peacekeeper steps in to minimize conflict, a people pleaser takes the path of least resistance. They say “yes” to the plans of others and limit their true opinions.
What does this look like?
Going to parties and events because other people want to go and you are afraid to tell them no
Not being sure what gift you want for yourself because you’re so focused on making sure everyone else is happy
Taking on extra responsibilities, such as hosting or running errands
Spending time with relatives or participating in traditions that make you uncomfortable
Buying more gifts than needed or exceeding your budget
Avoiding speaking up when there’s conflict, even if someone isn’t respecting your boundaries
Chances are if you’re a people pleaser, then you’re pretty used to being “nice” and deferring to others throughout the year.
Yet this means that you’re working overtime to gain the approval of others. This causes you to spend time, energy, and money on things that you may end up resenting.
While you may be able to get by most years under the radar, wouldn’t it be better if you got to feel invested in as well? What about the activities, hobbies, rest, and personal purchases that you’ve been putting off?
Why does this matter?
Being a peacekeeper or people pleaser causes high amounts of stress, which can lead to burnout, forgetfulness, exhaustion, weight gain, poor spending habits, and more.
It also means that you most likely feel numb, disappointed, or sick when you’re supposed to be having fun.
You deserve the magical holidays of your dreams, but you also deserve having it come as a result of you being truly safe and respected!
Whether you’re a holiday peacekeeper or a people pleaser, you are certainly a holiday stressor.
A path that keeps your wellbeing as the focus, regardless of external stressors!
you’re not alone
Are you ready for holidays to be fun not stressful?
Hop on a free call with me!