The Hidden Price of Being Nice
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
Being nice and being kind are NOT the same thing!
In fact, you’ll most likely get the opposite result by using one versus the other. People pleasers get the two confused and think it’s a po-TA-to/ po-TAH-to thing.
But there’s a HUGE difference:
Being nice means not making waves… no matter what.
Being kind means telling the truth… no matter what.
Being ‘nice’ is a learned behavior that started developing in us before the age of 8.
We were taught to be good and not be any trouble. Don’t talk back, listen to your teachers, do what you’re told. We’re taught that it’s wrong to speak up, it’s bad to say no, and it’s conceited to think of yourself.
These things we were told created thoughts and feelings that implied if you didn’t follow the ‘nice’ model, you wouldn’t be accepted or liked. Or maybe you experienced getting in trouble when you ‘colored outside the lines’ so-to-speak, so you learned being your authentic self was painful and could lead to rejection.
So we grow up thinking we have to be the peacekeepers, make everyone happy, and always be nice… no matter the cost!
Being nice became a way to protect ourselves from pain and rejection.
But here’s the problem: When we choose to not make waves, most likely we’re having to do some fancy footwork to keep the waters calm. In other words, we’re manipulating the situation in order to keep the peace. We’re avoiding or hiding things: guilt, resentments, disappointments, hurts, our truths! We’re essentially lying in order to not rock the boat NO MATTER WHAT and these stuffed emotions are the price of being nice.
We give up OUR inner peace in order to keep the outer peace.
Here are 5 signs you are being nice and the price of that niceness:
1 — Ignoring Personal Boundaries
Being nice may lead to ignoring your own boundaries to accommodate others. You might agree to do things you're uncomfortable with or say yes when you really want to say no, causing inner turmoil and resentment.
2 — Avoiding Confrontation
When you prioritize being nice over being honest, you may avoid necessary confrontations or difficult conversations. This can lead to unresolved issues and a build-up of negative emotions that can eventually harm your well-being.
3 — Suppressing Feelings
Being nice often involves suppressing your true feelings and emotions. You might hide your frustrations, sadness, or anger to avoid upsetting others, which can result in emotional suppression and inner distress.
4 — Pretending Everything is Fine
In an effort to maintain a facade of niceness, you might pretend that everything is fine even when it's not. This can lead to a lack of authenticity in your relationships and a sense of disconnection from yourself. You have a sense of not knowing who you really are.
5 — Perpetuating Unhealthy Relationships
Being overly nice can lead to staying in toxic or unhealthy relationships because you don't want to upset the other person or be perceived as the "bad guy." This will have long-term negative consequences for your mental and emotional well-being.
The price of being nice is high because it involves sacrificing your own feelings, needs, and authenticity to maintain external harmony, which results in a lot of unresolved emotions and hurts.
We give up OUR inner peace in order to keep the outer peace. If you feel caught in this people-pleasing pattern, you’re in the right place.
I lived this life for 50+ years… ALWAYS putting other people first NO MATTER WHAT! Never making waves NO MATTER WHAT! It didn’t matter what it was doing to me physically, mentally, or emotionally.
It felt really hard - and I mean EXTREMELY HARD - to figure out what I wanted and then start saying no and seeing the disappointment and sometimes anger in the other person! But I decided to ‘pick my HARD’ - speak up for myself and tell my truth even when I knew others might not like it… OR continue on in tumultuous, unhealthy relationships.
If you’re struggling with the guilt of wanting to choose you first or how to even know your own truth, I invite you to check out my new community, ‘Me First.’
It’s all about learning how to be kind to yourself and everyone in your life by figuring out who YOU are and then living from that place… NO MATTER WHAT!
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From people pleasing to burnout, boundaries to saying “no,” you’ll learn what it feels like to be empowered to speak up and start saying YES to yourself!
