Lessons of a Recovered People Pleaser
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
6 years ago, I hit my ultimate turning point that started me on a journey of healing.
My 3rd husband had just walked out in a rage. I blamed him and his toxic, controlling behavior as the cause of our marriage failing. Yet in truth, it was MY unhealthy, codependent behavior that caused me to say ‘“I do” to him in the first place.
I overlooked commitments being broken in order to keep the peace and not hurt his feelings… two very detrimental, people-pleasing traits. I was compliant and overextended myself time and time again to keep him, and others, happy.
But on that New Year’s Day, I saw the pattern that was repeating and I realized that I was the common denominator.
A week later, I walked into my first Codependents Anonymous meeting. Through these meetings and my diligence to overcome the devastating pattern of people pleasing, I discovered I held harmful core beliefs that all stemmed from learning to people please as a child.
My behavior created a lot of pain in my life, but it also brought me an amazing lesson:
Consistently choosing others over myself is not serving them, it’s pleasing them. As I prioritized others over myself, I reinforced a cycle of self-neglect that affected every aspect of my life and set me up to be frustrated and resentful. This pattern left me floundering to develop healthy relationships because I had such an unhealthy view of myself.
Here are examples of how prioritizing others’ happiness greatly impacted my own:
1 — Thinking loyalty was more important than following my dream, I completed my degree to pursue a career I ended up hating. I believed once I committed to something, it was wrong to change my mind… that changing my mind would disappoint someone. This played out in jobs, relationships, even in simple everyday decisions.
2 — Staying in an unfulfilling marriage for 17 years out of fear and shame. I didn’t want to face the reality of having two divorces on my “record” and what other people would think of me. As a result, I lost my chance to have children.
3 — Having FOUR surgeries in 6 months to repair something my body had manifested as a warning. Instead of listening to what this was telling me and taking care of myself, I chose to continue to try to please someone else instead of prioritizing my own needs.
4 — Ending up in the ER from the stress and trauma of an emotionally abusive relationship. The mind and body are intimately connected and I was so intent on ‘making the relationship right’ that I stopped listening to signs from my body, making me unable to heal or properly assess how I was doing.
And so my third toxic marriage came to an end. I knew it was important that I figure out how to never end up in the same place again and I began to whole-heartedly seek the healing I needed.
In doing so, I learned no one else’s feelings, wants, or needs were a higher priority than my own… ever.
I also accepted that I was the common denominator in my relationships.
Does this mean that what he did was acceptable? Absolutely not.
Did my actions have meaning and consequences? Yes, they did.
Therefore, if I wanted something different in my life, I needed to change in order to break the patterns I was creating in my life.
Through my healing journey, I’ve realized the power I have to influence my own life through my mindset.
I know what it feels like to be resentful, disappointed, unappreciated, and overwhelmed from putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own. I've spent the last decade figuring this out through therapy, Codependents Anonymous, self-help courses, books, and lots of blood, sweat, tears, and money.
My hope is that my stories inspire you to open yourself up to what’s possible for you.
What do you yearn for?
⭑ Through my recovery journey, I’ve learned to accept myself as I am. I now have deep connections with people where I can be completely myself… where they WANT me to be ME.
⭑ I’ve stopped pretending and living in fear of “what will THEY think”?
⭑ I know what fuels my body and feeds my soul, and I’ve stopped eating and drinking to numb my pain.
⭑ I am 100% committed to speak MY truth and know that in turn, I will get THEIR truth, and be able to discern when I don’t.
⭑ I trust myself and my intuition. I’m able to make a decision and not doubt myself.
⭑ I’ve learned from my past experiences and stopped living as a victim of them.
Let me guide you through your transformation
I built an amazing toolkit and I can save you time, money, and frustration by accelerating the recovery process for you.