How Expectations Are Destroying Your Happiness
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.”
When we get to midlife, we can have some pretty hefty expectations of what life is supposed to look like.
Happy marriage, fulfilling career, looking forward to retirement, stable health, money in the bank, kids off creating their own life, grandkids on the way.
And when different things happen - divorce, no kids or kids not following the path we wanted, no grandkids, job loss, partner unfaithful, etc - it can feel devastating because “life isn’t going as I expected.”
You might go as far as to say YOU aren’t what you expected. And that can be a difficult burden to reconcile.
Of course, we want life to be happy and fun and adventurous and loving, but when that’s not what we’re experiencing and we keep waiting for it or someone to change for it to become that, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.
When we have expectations, we're perceiving things as we want them to be instead of how they are... and this muddies our reality.
When we have expectations of someone or something, this is us wishing that person or thing were different… hoping they do or become something different. Hoping they modify their actions based on our vision.
It’s creating an idealized version of them based on who you THINK they should be. It’s like falling in love with their potential and not actually who they are showing themselves to be.
You are expecting something to be different than it is, and then you start reacting to that thing based on YOUR interpretation of who they should be in your head and not who they really are.
And this applies to all relationships; it’s not reserved for intimate partners. We can have expectations of friends, our parents, our kids… expectations of how we think they should act or be, what they should become.
When we have expectations, we are in essence saying we don’t accept things the way they are. And if the expectations are in reference to someone in your life, you are sending the message to them that THEY are not acceptable to you the way they are. That in order for them to be acceptable to you, they must change to meet your expectations.
Not only is this sending the message to them that they are not acceptable the way they are, but it is potentially setting you up for a vicious cycle that can lead to feelings of frustration, disappointment, anger, and resentment.
Reacting in this way can lead to loss of self esteem, intimacy, or the relationship itself. These consequences then lead to more thoughts, behaviors, beliefs, and fears that continue to drive more expectations.
“Suffering is wishing things are other than they are.”
If you’re thinking, “But Heidi, I DO have expectations of other people in my life. This HAS to be normal.” When people have said that to me, they typically are confusing wants & needs with expectations. They are NOT the same.
Here are some examples of expectations that lead to unhappiness:
1 — They should know what I want or need
People can’t read your mind no matter how long you’ve been together. If you have a want or need and you don’t express it, this is setting the other party up for failure based on your expectation that they’ll figure it out and come through. No one will be happy when someone feels like they’re in a no-win situation.
2 — We should agree
Believing something isn’t settled until you agree is a happiness threat. We won’t always agree… and what fun would the world be if we all agreed on everything?
3 — People need to like me
No one needs to like you, and the more you try to make them like you by people pleasing and prioritizing them over you, the more unhappy you’ll be. The only person that needs to like you is YOU.
4 — I should always meet my goals
Striving to meet goals is admirable, but when you have the expectation that you can’t have failure, you’re basing your value on an unattainable measurement... an illusion of perfection. The carrot will always feel out of reach and so will your happiness.
5 — They should change
People change when THEY want to, not when YOU want them to. Wanting something to change that is outside your control (which is almost everything) will lead to resentment and disappointment, not happiness.
The answer instead is acceptance.
When we accept how people and things are rather than trying to change them, life flows more smoothly. You lose the constant stress of trying to control things and just let them work out how they will. You can live in the present moment instead of worrying about who’s doing what.
When you stop “shoulding” on yourself and others, the negative emotions and thoughts disappear, opening you up to more peace and happiness.
And THAT’S what life is all about!
It’s time to trade in fear. Invest in joy. Confidence. Peace.
Say goodbye to your old life and claim your FREE call to determine if coaching and/or hypnosis feels right for you.