How to Stop Living in a Midlife FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
Dear Midlife Woman who has always prioritized others over herself, this is for you.
If you struggle with disappointment and resentment, feeling selfish for doing something just for you, saying no, and feeling like you’ve got nothing left to give, you’re most likely living in a FOG that has been clouding your life.
Are you ready to have the FOG lift so that you are free to live happy and fulfilled?
What would you say if I told you that YOU control when the FOG lifts?
FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, and as people pleasers, we know all three very well.
If you were raised to be good, nice, sweet, and not say no or talk back, then you were sent the silent message that going against any of that made you bad or wrong… not good enough. This created a fear of judgment and rejection, and of not being liked or accepted. It instilled the belief that being ‘good’ means never saying no or standing up for yourself. And so it was easier and safer to stay quiet and not rock the boat.
To overcome fear, it’s essential to challenge these beliefs and recognize that asserting yourself does not make you bad or wrong.
Embrace the idea that your worth isn’t determined by how much you accommodate or do for others. Remember, true friends and loved ones will accept you for who you are, including your boundaries and needs.
These messages we were given when we were young became our programming, the “software” that we grew up with that now runs our life.
One of the main messages in order to be considered ‘good’ was that it’s important to make others happy and please them.
If we grow into adults that believe this, then this becomes an obligation for us to fulfill as that ‘good’ person… it becomes our duty.
And if we aren’t doing our duty - or even THINK about not doing our duty - we feel guilty.
To start to overcome this, understand that saying no is not selfish. You aren’t required to say yes to everything that comes your way. Begin prioritizing YOU… your wants and needs over everyone else’s, and then set boundaries accordingly. Practice “The Pause” which is telling someone you’ll get back to them when they ask you to do something. Think about whether you want to do what they asked and how you’ll show up if you say yes, and then respond according to that versus feeling obligated to say yes. Again, your true friends and loved ones will respect your no.
Guilt often arises when we prioritize our own needs or speak our truth because we think this will upset the other person.
It’s so ingrained in us that other people are the priority that sometimes just THINKING about standing up for ourselves or speaking our opinion brings on guilt.
Taking time for ourselves or expressing when we’re hurt feels nearly impossible because of the overwhelming amount of guilt.
Remember that you aren’t responsible for someone else’s happiness. That’s up to them.
To lift guilt, challenge the idea that you have to be everything to everybody and meet everyone’s expectations. It’s okay to have differing opinions and express your feelings kindly. Have compassion for yourself and understand that making mistakes is part of being human. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you offer others.
If you feel like you’ve been living in a FOG, reach out for support. Continuing to live in this clouded place is hindering your ability to live an authentic life.
It’s time to reclaim your happiness and break free from these limiting patterns!
Remember that all the happiness you desire is yours by taking the steps to break free from people pleasing and the devastating effects it has.
I have a new program starting in September that is a low-cost, focused community for women just like you. Get the details here!
“People too often forget that it is your own choice how you want to spend the rest of your life. ”
Are you ready to finally stop living in FOG?
Schedule a FREE call with a coach dedicated to empowering women just like you! Get the answers and tools you need for a better life.