How to Let Go of Control to Find Your Happiness
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
Does the mention of change fill you with both longing and dread?
That’s because as humans, we resist change.
We want answers. We want to know the outcome. We want to know that we’re safe. We cling to thoughts, we cling to material objects, we cling to people. We grasp. We hold on.
We think holding on is how we control a situation. And if we’re in control, that means we’re safe… we feel secure in the control.
And the feeling of safety comes from things staying the same.
Even if “staying the same” means we’re not happy, we’re feeling disrespected, we’re feeling shame or neglect or even abused… we stay because the “known” feels safer than the “unknown.” The negative situation feels safe because it’s familiar and it’s predictable. A new situation feels scary because we have no idea what we’ll discover when we leave the known and make a change.
😩 What if I let go and something bad happens?
😩 What if I lose my job?
😩 What if I can’t find a new job?
😩 What if I can’t find a new partner?
😩 What if they abandon me?
😩 What if I’m not liked?
😩 What if I fall on my face?
You’re holding on so tight to the rope… to whatever's on the other end. You don’t wanna let go because you’re afraid of what will happen… you’ll lose control, be hurt, fail.
Life feels like that, right?
By resisting change, we’re willing to hold onto things that no longer serve us. We stop thriving and may even get stuck in a place that’s traumatizing — emotionally, mentally, or physically.
For many, this is a fear-based decision made on the vulnerability of the future because the present is already unstable enough.
😞 You know there’s something better out there but you’re having trouble imagining what that would look like for you.
😞 You want to feel safe and secure.
😞 You want to feel peace.
😞 You want to feel proud of your life.
But you also are so exhausted by trying to keep your head above water that making decisions purely for yourself can feel difficult or wrong. You haven’t trusted anyone in awhile, even yourself.
Making a change may feel like letting go of your last handhold. Your life line. Your last bit of security.
I know because I’ve been there.
In resisting change and clinging and holding on and grasping, and needing to know what the future holds first, you don’t allow things to go.
When you don’t allow things to go, you make no space for new to come in.
Thirteen years ago, my 17-year marriage was ending and I was grasping, clinging, holding onto that rope so tight…
😭 Wanting to “win”
😭 Feel in control
😭 Scared of the unknown
😭 Whatever … I wasn’t even sure
But it felt like I was starting to lose my grip.
My husband at the time - everything he and our marriage represented - is what was on the other end of the rope. I was holding on, playing this game of tug-of-war. It felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff holding on for dear life. My husband was on solid ground a few feet in front of me. If one of us let go of the rope, I would fall over the edge. I would plunge over the cliff into the unknown. No more safety, no more predictable, no more familiar.
This was the scene I described to my life coach. It’s what I had been stressing over and struggling with for months.
And then the coach asked me a pivotal question: “What would happen if you just let go of the rope?”
Let go of the rope? Are you kidding?
But then I saw what I had been missing. And I laughed. I laughed so hard because I realized what would happen if I let go. I suddenly saw it clearly in my mind.
What I saw was that it would all just fall away.
Because there would be no more resistance, there could be no more tug-of-war. And when I dropped the rope, I no longer had to fear that I would fall. He may stumble backwards because of the sudden lack of resistance, but he’d find his footing.
There would be no more tug-of-war, no more fight.
We could both be free to move forward and grow into our new lives.
So I let go of the rope. I stopped resisting and giving myself rope burns.
I stopped trying to hold onto control…
Over my marriage…
Over what was going to happen…
Over him…
Over my future…
And I let it all go.
I decided I was enough.
I decided I could trust myself to handle the future, whatever it may be.
I was willing to step into the unknown because I was done with the struggle and was ready to make space for something new to come in.
Letting go is the only way to create that space!
So the question is:
What are you holding onto?
What’s on the other end of your rope?
What are you treating as a life line that is actually holding you back from living your life?
That is causing you pain?
I understand that holding on feels safer than the unknown.
But it’s hurting you.
It’s holding you back.
It doesn’t serve you.
It doesn’t help you create space for the life you want to live!
And it’s giving you rope burns.
Letting go can be scary but working with someone who’s been there can make it a transformative opportunity instead.
If you’re in a place in your life where you’re ready to move away from something - a relationship, a job, a city - I can teach you life tools to take the fear out of letting go so that you can create space for something new to come in.
What does this look like?
I offer custom packages that include everything from Mindset & Transformation Coaching to Hypnosis. By working through how you view yourself, existing beliefs, poor habits, past traumas, and patterns of thinking, we’ll find healing and instill new modes of thought.
Coaching isn’t just about listening, it’s about finding actions specific for you that literally change the way your brain processes things! How cool is that?
You might be thinking:
👉 I’m too old for change — Great news, that’s not true!
👉 I can’t afford it — I offer a variety of custom plans.
👉 I’m just too tired and am overreacting — If you’re always too tired, that’s a warning sign that your body needs a change.
👉 I’m not ready yet — That’s why having support is vital.
Often times, we hear from society that middle-aged women aren’t happy, but that’s a lie meant to keep us hanging on, even when it’s hurting us.
Your life is your own. There is no time limit on when you get to enjoy it.
We can find more in our lives. We can accept goodness! We can accomplish goals, live happily, and feel secure in our lives. That’s not a dream for others, that’s a reality that you can shape for yourself.
You can go on adventures. You can learn new things. You can look in the mirror and think, wow! She is beautiful. She is capable.
But it only happens with letting go. With finding help. With healing.
How do I know?
Because I did all of those things, despite my fear. Despite the horrible situation I was in. Despite the unknown.
The immense joy and independence I found on the other side directed my life to helping others find the same.
And that same joy is waiting for you.
It’s time to trade stress in for something REAL.
Say goodbye to survival mode & claim your FREE 30-minute consultation to determine if coaching and/or hypnosis feels right for you.