Stop Asking ‘Do They Like Me?’ and Start Asking This Instead
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
Do you ever catch yourself asking: “What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t fit in?”
Whether it's at work, with friends, a new love interest, or even with someone you’ve just met.
If you’re a people pleaser, that question can run your life… and even RUIN your life.
It can cause you to say yes when you want to say no, avoid conflict, and end up feeling exhausted - and maybe even frustrated and resentful - from trying to make everyone happy.
What if I told you the real shift - the 1 thing that can help you break free from people pleasing - isn’t learning to say no or be more confident - it’s about asking yourself a different question?
Trying to constantly please others takes a toll on us with hidden costs.
😞 Our self esteem takes a hit.
😞 We lose our identity and authenticity… so many women have said to me: “I don’t even know who I am anymore”
😞 Exhaustion and burnout can result from always saying yes to other people and no to ourselves.
😞 Frustration with feeling undervalued or taken advantage of… and with that comes resentment.
😞 Even our health is often impacted by people pleasing. I ended up in the ER from all the stress I was putting on myself for not facing a toxic situation by standing up for myself.
My biggest people pleasing hurdle was the fear of disappointing others. With it came the fear of rejection.
So I was constantly asking myself, ‘Do they like me?.’ ‘Do they accept me?’ ‘Do I fit in?’
If I thought the answer was yes, that meant I was approved of and accepted.
If I felt the answer was no or maybe, which was most of the time, then I morphed myself in whatever way necessary to get a ‘yes’ answer.
Remember that 95% of the time, the yes, nos, or maybes were ALL just MY perception of what the other person thought, but because I was adapting myself all the time to fit in, even if I knew for certain that they liked me, was it ME they really liked? Or was it the version of me I had created in order to be liked?
The focus is always outward—on others’ opinions of us, what they think of us. We’re not focused on what we want or need … and that’s the problem:
People-pleasers don’t often consider if we actually like the other person.
Here’s how most people pleasers approach change and I was no different:
We think it’s about being more assertive, learning to say no, or practicing confidence. We believe that until we can have the confidence that we can’t break free of people pleasing.
But we often overlook the main problem—where our mindset is stuck.
And that’s where so many people go wrong. You can learn all the techniques in the world, but without addressing this one key thing, nothing truly changes.
To break free, it’s not just about learning to say no, it’s about asking a better question—one that puts you in control.
The question that kept me stuck for years was ‘Do they like me?’—and that’s the same question most people pleasers are unknowingly asking every day.
But when I flipped the script and started asking ‘Do I like them?’—that’s when everything changed for me.
It stopped being about winning approval and started being about who I wanted to allow into my life, whose energy I wanted around me, and whether they actually aligned with MY values.
Asking ourselves questions like this: What do I think of THEM? Do I like them?... gives us:
A Shift in focus: Instead of seeking approval from others, it puts the emphasis on whether their values, actions, and energy align with our own.
Empowerment: It reclaims our personal power by prioritizing our needs and preferences, rather than molding ourselves to fit into someone else’s expectations, or what we *think* they expect.
Authenticity: This question encourages a more genuine connection, because it helps us evaluate relationships based on mutual respect, rather than the need to be liked and approved of.
It takes guts and courage to break free of people-pleasing! I know… it’s not easy. The road is not paved with … well, it’s actually not paved at all. It’s full of potholes and boulders and sometimes seemingly impossible obstacles.
If you’d like support, I now offer what I’m calling “drive through” sessions.
It’s a one time 45-minute session where I help you get past a pothole or a boulder or maybe help you see a blind spot that you can’t currently see so you can get on a smoother path again.
If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed or stuck, this is the perfect offer for you! You can try out receiving support in a way that’s low stress.
It takes a lot of courage to look at ourselves and take steps to better ourselves. But it’s soooo worth it! Sign up here!
Ready to break free from people pleasing’s toll?
Progress is always easier when you have someone to guide you.
