The Fear of Disappointing Others Is Holding You Back
Blog post by Heidi Gustafson
Mindset & Transformation Coach
Mastering Midlife with Heidi is dedicated to helping middle-aged women live their lives with confidence and joy, instead of merely surviving.
Have you ever felt like you HAD to say ‘yes’ just to avoid letting someone down?
You think you’re protecting their feelings AND the relationship, but what if your ‘yes’ is actually doing the opposite?
When we say ‘yes’ to avoid conflict or dodge the guilt of hurting someone’s feelings, we’re really setting ourselves up to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and maybe even resentful. And guess what?
The other person feels that too.
When we say ‘yes’ but really want to say ‘no,’ we’re actually creating the VERY thing we’re trying so hard to avoid.
We think we have to say ‘yes’ to avoid hurting someone because it’s a small way to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or maintain the relationship.
Yet when we reluctantly say ‘yes,’ we’re left feeling stretched thin, burned out, and usually resentful.
It’s no wonder we start not feeling like ourselves … and acting like someone else is exhausting.
Ironically, it’s that very ‘yes’ we think we NEED to say to NOT disappoint them that actually ends up disappointing them when we don’t show up wholeheartedly… or maybe don’t show up at all.
Someone commented on a recent YouTube video of mine titled “Huge People Pleasing Regrets” and she said, “I say ‘yes’ without a solid plan to follow through and then I feel even worse that I disappointed someone in a time they actually relied on me.”
Can you relate to this comment? It’s quite a dilemma, right? We say ‘yes’ to avoid feeling like we disappointed them and then not show up for them or show up resentful or begrudgingly - which in reality DOES hurt them. So our ‘yes’ to avoid something actually can create the very thing we’re trying to avoid!
When we say ‘yes’ when we want to say no, it’s based in fear.
Here’s the real TRAP: When we say ‘yes’ out of fear of disappointing someone, this fear is based on an imagined outcome, not on any sort of reality.
So we keep saying ‘yes’ to avoid the story we’ve made up in our head of what we FEAR will happen if we say ‘no.’
But in most cases, we’re reacting to an imagined disappointment rather than the reality of what’s going to happen and what’s truly best for us or the relationship.
Here are some examples: Do you agree to take on extra work, commit to social plans you don’t want to attend, or do favors that stretch you way too thin?
As a result, we stop showing up as ourselves. We’re stressed, distracted, and unhappy … and the people we’re saying ‘yes’ for notice we’re not fully present.
Each reluctant "yes" that we say slowly chips away at our confidence and self esteem, making it harder to set boundaries and say ‘no’ in the future. And now we’re in this vicious trap.
So how do we break this people-pleasing cycle?
1 — Ask yourself: “Is it true that they’ll be hurt or disappointed if I say ‘no’ or am I creating that story in my mind?”
Our mind’s primary job is to keep us safe, and it views the possibility of other people being upset at you as unsafe, so you create this story to match. The story that you HAVE to say ‘yes’ so they won’t be hurt.
Remember though - the bigger disappointment and hurt come from you not being genuine and lying to them in order for you to avoid your own discomfort.
2 — Reverse the scenerio.
Pretend the situation was reversed. How would you feel if you learned someone was saying ‘yes’ to you because they felt obligated and not because they really wanted to? What if they were exhausted? Wouldn’t you rather they told you ‘no’ than have them begrudgingly hanging out with you?
3 — Practice alternate phrases.
It helps to know a couple of phrases to say in advance and practice them in the mirror! I have a free guide called “20 Ways to Say No Without Guilt.” It will give you lots of alternatives… and it’s FREE.
4 — Identify the fear.
Ask yourself: “What am I afraid of if I say no?” This will help uncover if you’re acting from fear or another reason.
Are you basing your decision on the FEAR of their reaction? Sure, if they’re used to you always saying ‘yes,’ there might be some initial push-back, but if they’re a healthy person with healthy boundaries themselves, they’ll understand.
If you’re afraid of retaliation - maybe based on a similar reaction in the past from this person - then I invite you to reconsider whether this is a person you want to continue to have in your life.
5 — Build self compassion.
Learning to say "no" without guilt takes practice and is a form of self-respect. It takes courage to break this people-pleasing cycle. I GET IT!! I’ve been there. This was one of the biggest hurdles I had to get over… and I’ve stumbled a lot! I still have to check myself at times.
Remind yourself that setting boundaries - like saying ‘no’ - isn’t selfish — It’s actually necessary for maintaining healthy relationships. (Read “What People Pleasers Need to Know About Boundaries.”)
Remember: you don’t have to sacrifice yourself to avoid disappointing others.
You get to have ‘you time.’ You get to pick what events you attend. You get to stay home for no other reason than you want to.
In fact, other healthy people in your life love you to be open and genuine, and to speak what’s true for you. That’s how they get to know the REAL you… not the version you *THINK* the world wants of you.
An honest “no” may feel uncomfortable at first, but it builds trust, respect, and healthier connections in the long run.
Remember that YOU have to be your own cycle breaker.
You do that by no longer saying yes to things that don’t align with your needs, time, or values.
Need help knowing where to start?
I now offer what I’m calling “drive through” sessions. It’s a one time 45-minute session where I help you get past a pothole or a boulder or maybe help you see a blind spot that you can’t currently see so you can get on a smoother path again.
If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed or stuck, this is the perfect offer for you! You can try out receiving support in a way that’s low stress.
It takes a lot of courage to look at ourselves and take steps to better ourselves. But it’s soooo worth it! Sign up here!
Ready to build your confidence?
Progress is always easier when you have someone to guide you.
